My Drug Is Legal

While other people's most liked social media pictures contained cute babies, selfies, or adventures, most of my pictures contained weight loss milestones. I had some scale victories, losing 36 pounds and some non-scale ones like clothes fitting SO MUCH better, losing pant sizes, getting to wear my wedding ring again.

But I didn't get nearly as far as I had hoped. I had a goal to lose 50 pounds and I was short.. embarrassingly short. The last part of the year was a struggle for me emotionally and mentally and it really stunted my progress.

I couldn't give up though. I had so many people cheering me on, asking about my health, some even asking me for advice, telling me I inspired them in their own journey. Its so humbling.

I realized too that I learned a lot. I learned that this lifestyle is doable forever. I learned its not a diet, but a different perspective on food. Most importantly, I learned a lot about myself.

First of all, I learned that I lacked self-control in a lot of ways, even outside of the kitchen, and that was something that I worked to fix in 2015. Secondly, I learned that while I thought I had overcome my addiction, I really hadn't. Does an addict ever really stop being an addict? Alcohol addiction must be paid attention for one's entire life, and I realized that is no different with food.

The problem is, my drug is legal. You don't have to be a certain age to buy it, you don't have to hide it from anyone, and honestly, you can't stop the drug completely like you can with vodka or meth. I have to eat! So instead of stopping, I just have to keep taking it and monitoring it.

Let me be clear - drugs, alcohol, and food are very different things... I get that. But, I hope you see my point. I had an unhealthy, emotional attachment to food. It dictated my mood - whether good or bad -, I thought about it often, I spent too much money on it, and I used it as a crutch, because I could control it and for a moment, that control felt good. I HATE not being in control (maybe a post for another time) and food made me feel like I was, even if it wasn't real.

I have a lot more to learn in 2016, but I realized that even if I didn't get quite where I wanted to with my pounds lost, there is still so far that I came on this journey and I am EXCITED to see how much further I get this year!

Dear 2015

Dear 2015,

I am glad you are almost done. Only a few more hours and we can part ways. I look back and see a year of high highs and very low lows. My emotions were stretched to the limit, my mind tested, my physical body sore & changing. You were the hardest time I have ever had in my 25 short years.

Don't get me wrong; there were good parts. I was blessed with my 5th year of marriage to my outstanding Mr.

We celebrated the first birth of my niece, Reagan Elizabeth.

We took a family trip to the coast and surprised my mom for her 50th birthday.

I visited Seattle for the first time.

I went to my very first Duck football game.

My niece, Zoey Rose, was born.

 I celebrated holidays, birthdays, etc.

I don't forget these times. I cherish them, and in fact the bad has made me cherish them more. But 2015, you were not nice to me. You were my biggest struggle, my most exhausting challenge, and on that I know I will eventually look back on and understand and see growth, but at this moment, I am looking to 2016 with hope that it will be better than you were. I am looking towards 2016 with hope, positive expectations, 

At the end of they day, 2015, you have taught me one thing: Life is not easy. Ever. But God is always faithful, always at work, and always in control, and that makes life good.

Here is to 2016.

Sincerely,

Je t'aime, World.

In the last week, it seems as though the world has gone nuts. Terrorists killing almost 200 people in Paris, bombings in the Middle East, so many dead at a Kenyan university, earthquakes... It has been a somber week, one of reflection for myself and I am sure, many others.

The other night, on my way home, I had to pull over off the side of the road because I couldn't see through the tears. It was raining, it was dark, and I was in the car alone. I began to pray for the world, for Paris, for Kenya, for Lebanon... My heart broke as soon as I spoke the first word to the Lord and I just could not stop crying. So, I pulled my car over and let the tears flow, I kept praying, asking God to heal, to bring peace, to bring wisdom, to show us His heart in all of this chaos. 

Then my heart broke more; I realized that while we are sad about what's happening, Jesus is even more so. He sees the hatred for each other, and this is not how it was designed. He sees each individual person, each one who passes away, each one who is injured, and yes, each one who kills. Then I felt guilty, because I began to cry for the murderers. I cried because I cannot imagine living in such a way as to hate so much. I cried because they died believing in something that wasn't true. I cried because they killed themselves in the name of something that isn't real. And now they will spend eternity separated from what is truth, Jesus. What a terrible life. What a terrible death. 

This isn't how it was supposed to be. God loves every person, He created every person, every race, both genders, each language, all cultures, but not for this purpose. His heart breaks, and so my heart breaks. He grieves, so I grieve. 

"If My people, who are called by My name, will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land." 

2 Chronicles 7:14

Ten Things

Ten Things You Didn't Know About Me:

1.) I got married when I was 6 years old to a boy named Jordan. He gave me a ring from his cupcake, we walked down the aisle at my church in Silverton, and my friend Tim officiated. It didn't last long though... I think maybe until the next time we saw each other a couple days later, which is still almost longer than Kim Kardashian & Kris Humphries...

2.) Speaking of Kim K, I LOVE reality TV. I would much rather watch it than movies... Chopped, Amazing Race, Survivor, Project Runway, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and my guilty pleasure, The Bachelor... 

3.) If I could go back in time for a week and relive it, I would go back to my senior year of high school when my great-grandma was still alive, I got to play basketball again with my girls, and life was much, much simpler. I miss those days. 

4.) I am allergic to coconut. I break out in a large rash if I eat it, use lotion or soap that has it in it, drink it... So I light a lot of coconut scented candles and melts.

5.) If I could be anything in another life, I think I would be a fashion designer.  I love the whole idea, I love designing, and I think Tim Gunn and I would get along splendidly. 

6.) My favorite food in the entire world is fried things.... Mozzarella sticks, fried zucchini, fried chicken, fried pickle chips, french fries.... Greasy, delicious, wonderful, hot, amazing food... I would choose it over dessert every time. 

7.) My favorite animal in the world is a monkey. VERY closely behind them is manatees and orcas.

8.) I do not like having no cell service. It makes me feel claustrophobic. 

9.) I have a confession - I don't like camping. I would much rather stay in a hotel and explore somewhere than sleep in a tent. 

10.) If I could live anywhere, it would be at the very top of a building with almost no walls, just windows, so I can look out over the lights and land. 

Why I Have A Different Perspective on September 11, 2001

Today is September 15, 2015.
Four days ago marked 14 years since the attack on our nation.

I was 11 years old on September 11, 2001. I remember getting ready for school, getting on the school bus, like any other day. My friend, Briana, and I sat in the back of the bus and she mentioned that a plane had crashed into a tall building in New York. I had no idea what she was talking about and I wondered what happened that made the pilot do that, what had gone wrong with the plane.

We got to school - I was in the 6th grade, Mrs. Schmitz's class - and I remember things were not normal that day. We went into reading time and the school was on lock down. They announced this over the intercom. Shortly after, students started being picked up by their parents. I rode the bus home early, walked into the door, and both my parents and my grandmother sat in front of the TV not speaking. I sat down on the floor. I remember the news showing the video of the first plane and then the second over and over. I saw the people running covered in ash and debris, the man jumping from one of the top floors to his death, firefighters, police, reporters... A blur of images still singed into my brain.

Every year when September 11th comes, I get very emotional, my heart is so sad, and being only eleven at the time, I couldn't figure out why I have always been so impacted. The babies that were born that year are now older than I was when this happened, I live clear across the country from where this happened, and I lost no loved ones during the attacks, but I am extremely impacted nonetheless.

I believe that those of us who are now between 20-26 have a unique perspective on this tragedy. I think it is unique because those older than us and those younger than us simply cannot understand how we see all of this. Here is what I mean:

As an 11-year-old, there was still an innocence to me... I watched the footage with a childlike understanding of what was going on. My mother decided not to tell me about what was going on before I went to school, but once I got there and I came home and saw what was going on, it was no longer hidden and I really tried to understand the best that my 11-year-old mind could.

For months, there was media coverage, a war broke out in Iraq, American flags were raised at businesses and homes, and I grew up in a world so different than the first eleven years I had lived. Adults were no more worried, there was more tension, less unity in some aspects...

Every year, when the anniversary arrives, and the images are once again flashed on my TV screen, flags are lowered, my heart is once again broken. I fight between the memory of my childhood fears and my feeble attempt at understanding, and my adult understanding of today. We were in this intriguing age that was just old enough, but still young enough and we saw the world from both sides.

Hey, Mamas, I Need You

I cannot believe how many of my friends and family are having babies...
My sister, my aunt, my cousin, and at least 3 friends I can think of just off the top of my head.

I am not pregnant, by the way, but it seems as though everyone around me is.

The interesting part is that as I talk with these pregnant mamas and hear some of the advice given to them, it is amazing to me..

Too much negativity. "Get your sleep now while you can" and "Labor is the worst pain I have ever been in..." Another one that happens a lot is "good luck". The one that I love the most? "Say goodbye to your husband".

Are babies easy? I can't say from experience, but I don't think they're easy. But I have heard they are worth it. Why not focus on some of the positives of motherhood? Why not focus on the good things about pregnancy? It makes women like me who want kids someday feel freaked out. Like "Look at all the crap you get to look forward to with nothing really good in return".

All throughout facebook, I read posts about the hardships of parenthood - and believe me, I appreciate the honesty, I appreciate the reality - but mamas, how about you comment and tell me your favorite parts of parenthood, tell me if its all worth it, tell me the positives. Help a sister out.

Future

I tend to think too far into the future.
I have always been a planner, and I love it. It helps me keep my stuff together, my brain not explode, and my life not be chaos.
But it has its negatives too.
Like I hate feeling out of control with things that I can't plan. I am often (and I mean often) distracted by 'what ifs' and all the things that could happen in the future.

News flash: THERE IS A LOT THAT IS OUT OF OUR CONTROL

Its a lot easier said than done to just "go with the flow" or "trust in God".
Hear me when I say this, I do trust God, and I know that He is good, no matter what happens, but sometimes, in my moments of these thoughts taking over my mind, my human nature wins out.

I was recently given advice that a lot of people live in the past (fortunately, that's never held me back) and they are often told not to. But a lot of people also look too far in the future (oh hey, that's me). Neither are living in the present. My worry about the 'what ifs' paralyze me from living in the now, when those 'what ifs' are fiction, not reality.

Anyone else deal with this, or am I all alone in this? Any advice on how to keep my mind and my heart enjoying the present, dealing with the present challenges, and leaving the future to God?