inconvenient

Everyone I know is pregnant.
Ok not everyone, but almost everyone.
It feels like everyone.

I love it. Pregnant moms are beautiful, babies are cute.. I love it.. For them.

I just have a hard time picturing a baby in my life. I think about the day-to-day stuff I do and its hard to imagine a baby in that. I think about all the time I get to spend with my husband, and think how much a baby would change that. I think about how tight money is and wonder how a baby would fit into that. I think about a baby becoming a child and wonder how to balance school and soccer games and homework and I just can't see it.

I'll be honest, I don't love change (I've written about that before) and I don't love doing things I have never done before because I don't know what to expect or what to plan for. Babies are the epitome of all of that and that's scary.

I scroll through facebook, and moms are complaining about no showers and no time for themselves.. They can't even pee alone, they get no sleep, kids are brats, they can't wait until nap time... I wish I understood in my heart that kids were worth it. I see it some, don't get me wrong. But it feels like they are so much more of an inconvenience more than a joy, an annoyance more than a blessing.

I am just being honest here. I am just sharing whats truly on my heart. I know someday I want to be a mom and I want to make my husband a father, but in this new generation, theres a new outlook on babies, and its scary.

March 22

Today, my husband turns 26.

It seems silly to try and write out how I feel about him in a blog, because words really don't even come close (Cliche? Yes. True? Absolutely.).

I have never known a better man than Daimian. Literally, there is no person I like more on the planet. He is insanely patient with me, incredibly unselfish, wonderfully loving, insanely hard working, ridiculously handsome, always willing, and endlessly understanding.

He is a pastor, a friend, a lover, a teacher, a mentor, a brother, a son, a provider, a Packers fan, a researcher, a learner, a comedian, a board gamer, a speaker, a husband, listener... The list goes on.

I don't know how I ever got so lucky, and I don't know why out of all the women on earth, he decided I was the one that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. But, holy Moses, am I glad he did.

Daimian Michael, I admire you for all you have overcome, I am motivated by you for all you have accomplished, I am blessed by you for your unfailing love and patience (lets be real, you need a lot to be married to me), and I am honored beyond belief to be your wife.

Happy 26th birthday, baby. I love you so, so very much.

My Husband's Job

I'm not sure when it started. I think maybe its always been there. For as long as I can remember, I have not liked change. And by not liked, I mean hate. I mean like whatever I can do to avoid it, I will.

I remember one time - I think I was in 3rd grade - I stayed the night at my friend Lindly's house. She fell asleep, and I just laid on the ground in my sleeping bag crying. I listened to the clock tick all night long wishing I was in my own house in my own bed. That is my first memory that I can think of where change was not my thing.

Not a lot as changed since then. Yes, I can stay other places without crying all night, but to be honest, I don't love it. Whenever I have moved, it has taken me a while to feel at home and to not feel upset about it. Even when I went from junior high to high school, or graduated to college, there was some excitement, but a lot of worry. As soon as my dad came to get me to escort me down the aisle, I freaked out thinking about the change that was about to happen. And when my newest niece was born in November, I even worried about what changes that would bring to my family.

I understand a lot of the change that happens in life are good changes. I love my current home and wouldn't be here if we hadn't moved. My niece, Zo Zo, is amazing and adorable, and the change she brought is a good one. High School was thirty times better than junior high and was a wonderful change, but at the time, I couldn't see past my fear.

I think the biggest reason I hate it is because it means I am out of control. It means that as I hard as I try and as much as I plan, it really doesn't matter sometimes because I don't get to control life. Its also unknown. When I was in middle school, I knew what to expect day-to-day and I knew what I needed to do, but as I moved into high school, I was clueless.. It was so unknown. I hate that.

So when my husband lost his job right before Christmas - you guessed it - I was one unhappy camper. Most people wouldn't enjoy that news, but not only did I struggle with normal worries about what we were going to do, I knew instantly it meant change.

I don't write this because I am proud of this. I most certainly am not. I cried a lot that week, worried a lot that week, asked for a lot of prayers... When my husband was offered a new job doing the same exact work in a new area, it opened a new door for him to really do ministry again, and he became a missionary associate to do so. While I was wallowing in my fear and sadness, God was taking care of it exactly as He wanted to to take care of Daimian & I and fit His will. My initial response to Him was not trust - it was frustration, sadness, fear, anger - and though it was change, it was good and God had it the whole time.

I have asked for forgiveness for my crappy attitude, and asked God to help me trust Him the next time change comes along. I have a feeling that change is something I will struggle with my whole danged life, but I hope that each time change comes, I handle it better and better.

My Drug Is Legal

While other people's most liked social media pictures contained cute babies, selfies, or adventures, most of my pictures contained weight loss milestones. I had some scale victories, losing 36 pounds and some non-scale ones like clothes fitting SO MUCH better, losing pant sizes, getting to wear my wedding ring again.

But I didn't get nearly as far as I had hoped. I had a goal to lose 50 pounds and I was short.. embarrassingly short. The last part of the year was a struggle for me emotionally and mentally and it really stunted my progress.

I couldn't give up though. I had so many people cheering me on, asking about my health, some even asking me for advice, telling me I inspired them in their own journey. Its so humbling.

I realized too that I learned a lot. I learned that this lifestyle is doable forever. I learned its not a diet, but a different perspective on food. Most importantly, I learned a lot about myself.

First of all, I learned that I lacked self-control in a lot of ways, even outside of the kitchen, and that was something that I worked to fix in 2015. Secondly, I learned that while I thought I had overcome my addiction, I really hadn't. Does an addict ever really stop being an addict? Alcohol addiction must be paid attention for one's entire life, and I realized that is no different with food.

The problem is, my drug is legal. You don't have to be a certain age to buy it, you don't have to hide it from anyone, and honestly, you can't stop the drug completely like you can with vodka or meth. I have to eat! So instead of stopping, I just have to keep taking it and monitoring it.

Let me be clear - drugs, alcohol, and food are very different things... I get that. But, I hope you see my point. I had an unhealthy, emotional attachment to food. It dictated my mood - whether good or bad -, I thought about it often, I spent too much money on it, and I used it as a crutch, because I could control it and for a moment, that control felt good. I HATE not being in control (maybe a post for another time) and food made me feel like I was, even if it wasn't real.

I have a lot more to learn in 2016, but I realized that even if I didn't get quite where I wanted to with my pounds lost, there is still so far that I came on this journey and I am EXCITED to see how much further I get this year!

Dear 2015

Dear 2015,

I am glad you are almost done. Only a few more hours and we can part ways. I look back and see a year of high highs and very low lows. My emotions were stretched to the limit, my mind tested, my physical body sore & changing. You were the hardest time I have ever had in my 25 short years.

Don't get me wrong; there were good parts. I was blessed with my 5th year of marriage to my outstanding Mr.

We celebrated the first birth of my niece, Reagan Elizabeth.

We took a family trip to the coast and surprised my mom for her 50th birthday.

I visited Seattle for the first time.

I went to my very first Duck football game.

My niece, Zoey Rose, was born.

 I celebrated holidays, birthdays, etc.

I don't forget these times. I cherish them, and in fact the bad has made me cherish them more. But 2015, you were not nice to me. You were my biggest struggle, my most exhausting challenge, and on that I know I will eventually look back on and understand and see growth, but at this moment, I am looking to 2016 with hope that it will be better than you were. I am looking towards 2016 with hope, positive expectations, 

At the end of they day, 2015, you have taught me one thing: Life is not easy. Ever. But God is always faithful, always at work, and always in control, and that makes life good.

Here is to 2016.

Sincerely,

Je t'aime, World.

In the last week, it seems as though the world has gone nuts. Terrorists killing almost 200 people in Paris, bombings in the Middle East, so many dead at a Kenyan university, earthquakes... It has been a somber week, one of reflection for myself and I am sure, many others.

The other night, on my way home, I had to pull over off the side of the road because I couldn't see through the tears. It was raining, it was dark, and I was in the car alone. I began to pray for the world, for Paris, for Kenya, for Lebanon... My heart broke as soon as I spoke the first word to the Lord and I just could not stop crying. So, I pulled my car over and let the tears flow, I kept praying, asking God to heal, to bring peace, to bring wisdom, to show us His heart in all of this chaos. 

Then my heart broke more; I realized that while we are sad about what's happening, Jesus is even more so. He sees the hatred for each other, and this is not how it was designed. He sees each individual person, each one who passes away, each one who is injured, and yes, each one who kills. Then I felt guilty, because I began to cry for the murderers. I cried because I cannot imagine living in such a way as to hate so much. I cried because they died believing in something that wasn't true. I cried because they killed themselves in the name of something that isn't real. And now they will spend eternity separated from what is truth, Jesus. What a terrible life. What a terrible death. 

This isn't how it was supposed to be. God loves every person, He created every person, every race, both genders, each language, all cultures, but not for this purpose. His heart breaks, and so my heart breaks. He grieves, so I grieve. 

"If My people, who are called by My name, will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land." 

2 Chronicles 7:14

Ten Things

Ten Things You Didn't Know About Me:

1.) I got married when I was 6 years old to a boy named Jordan. He gave me a ring from his cupcake, we walked down the aisle at my church in Silverton, and my friend Tim officiated. It didn't last long though... I think maybe until the next time we saw each other a couple days later, which is still almost longer than Kim Kardashian & Kris Humphries...

2.) Speaking of Kim K, I LOVE reality TV. I would much rather watch it than movies... Chopped, Amazing Race, Survivor, Project Runway, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and my guilty pleasure, The Bachelor... 

3.) If I could go back in time for a week and relive it, I would go back to my senior year of high school when my great-grandma was still alive, I got to play basketball again with my girls, and life was much, much simpler. I miss those days. 

4.) I am allergic to coconut. I break out in a large rash if I eat it, use lotion or soap that has it in it, drink it... So I light a lot of coconut scented candles and melts.

5.) If I could be anything in another life, I think I would be a fashion designer.  I love the whole idea, I love designing, and I think Tim Gunn and I would get along splendidly. 

6.) My favorite food in the entire world is fried things.... Mozzarella sticks, fried zucchini, fried chicken, fried pickle chips, french fries.... Greasy, delicious, wonderful, hot, amazing food... I would choose it over dessert every time. 

7.) My favorite animal in the world is a monkey. VERY closely behind them is manatees and orcas.

8.) I do not like having no cell service. It makes me feel claustrophobic. 

9.) I have a confession - I don't like camping. I would much rather stay in a hotel and explore somewhere than sleep in a tent. 

10.) If I could live anywhere, it would be at the very top of a building with almost no walls, just windows, so I can look out over the lights and land.