Weakness

I had someone tell me the other day that they were intimidated by me.

By me. Brittany Dunn. Me.

I instantly chuckled, not trying to be disrespectful, but just so confused as to why I am intimidating.
They told me it is because I am tall, because I walk with purpose, and I talk with confidence.
Isn't it funny how we are perceived by others and what we see in ourselves? Often, it is so different.
In my mind, I am not someone to be intimidated by. Here's why:

- I am 27 and still afraid of thunderstorms

- I sleep with some form of light on, and I try to convince myself its so I can see when I go to the bathroom, but really, I just don't like the dark.

- I am very self-conscious about my weight. I hate being the fat friend, the fat daughter, the fat wife.

- I am weird. I make funny voices, make up weird names for people, and change lyrics to songs to make them realll dumb and cheesy.

- I want to write a book... REALLY badly... But I always get started and think about how silly I am and stop.

- I wake up often feeling bad for my husband for being stuck married to me.

- I cry... All the time. When animals die, certain songs that hit me, when my husband is really nice to me (which is often), when I see people who are lost and need Jesus... My eyes are always wet.

- I hate folding laundry & I avoid it as often as possible

- I have a list of books a mile long that I want to read and never seem to get around to it.

- I wonder every day if I could've done something different to help my dad and maybe he would've stuck around.

- I feel a lot more confident in talking about sports than I do about Jesus, no matter how much I study, and it makes me feel guilty, which I know isn't how Jesus would want me to feel

- I have serious doubts in my coaching and teaching abilities

This seems like a depressing, silly post. But as I sat here today, typing this, I don't want to be intimidating. I want people to see Christ in me; to see my weaknesses, my scars, to see my broken places and see that the reason someone like me can still function as a human being is because God Himself has redeemed me and is working in & through me.

"'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." -2 Corinthians 12:9

I went to the gym yesterday.

I went to the gym yesterday.
I haven't been to the gym in a while.
My working out has been sporadic and inconsistent.
All the weight I have lost so far has been diet related.
Why?
I hate working out.
I hate running. I hate squats. I hate ellipticals.

But yesterday I went to the gym because my body needs me to work out.
My weight loss needs me to work out.

And let me tell you today, amigos, I. AM. SORE.
I literally have not felt my thighs this sore in years.

And you know what is frustrating?
I was an athlete once.
I practiced basketball and lifted weights 6 days a week, every week for months.
I spent hours per day working out, running, lifting, BEING an athlete, BEING healthy.

Yesterday, when I was struggling to get through a half hour leg work out, I was almost in tears.
Not because I was in pain (even though I really was), but because I used to do this and do this well.
Why did I stop? Why did I give up on myself? Why did I let the athlete in me take a back seat?

I want to be that athlete again.
I want to coach athletes, but I also want to be one myself AGAIN.
I will be. I know I will be.
But the journey sometimes is discouraging.

Peace Out, 2016

Man, this year.. I remember sitting at the end of 2015 with so much anticipation and hope for the year. I remember kissing my husband and looking forward to all that was to come for us and for my family, church, and friends.

I had no idea that it would be my hardest year yet. It was the hardest year for my spiritually, emotionally, in my career (or lack there of), and financially. We got into a car accident, two cars died, couldn't pay off some debt like we had hoped, got turned down for job after job... My family experienced its hardest year by far. 

I am so ready for 2016 to be over.

But I am determined to look towards 2017 with hope. I am determined to look forward to the future with anticipation and optimism. I am determined to remember the good times I have had this year.

I celebrated 6 years of amazing marriage with my patient, wonderful, hard-working husband.

I celebrated birthdays of loved ones and friends.

I spent time with friends who bless me.

And I have my family, my loving, generous, crazy family.

Most importantly, my God is faithful, my God is steadfast, my God is love, my God provides, my God never changes, my God cares. Good or bad times, He is here. Through all of 2016, He was there. In 2017, He will be there. His plans and His ways are greater than mine. 

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end;

23 they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." -Lamentations 3:22-23


Happy New Year & God Bless. Here's to 2017.

Coach Willig

I sat in a wooden pew this morning and listened to story after story of a great man. Students, players, friends, colleagues, relatives stood and spoke about his compassion, his humor, his love, his passion, his fortitude, and how he inspired everyone around him.

I remember meeting Coach Willig for the first time when I was in 8th grade. He came to an AAU practice and watched us play as he would be our coach the next year. He shook my hand and introduced himself. I told him my name and mentioned that my goal was to make the varsity team my freshman year and that I had been working hard this past summer to make the team. He said "Keep working hard." He invited me to go to Gonzaga University with the high school teams. On our way, he walked to the back of the bus, handed me a varsity shooting shirt, and said "Here's your shot. Don't blow it."

From that moment on, I was one of Willig's players, one of his kids. He never made me feel second-rate just because I was a freshman or I wasn't a starter. He invested into me the same he invested into everyone else. He taught us to work hard, to laugh, to give it your all, and to pay it forward. He believed in me when a lot of people wouldn't have. He gave me a chance when most wouldn't have. I accomplished my goal of making the varsity team freshman year, but the coolest part about that was it meant I got to have Willig as my coach.

My hearts desire is to be a basketball coach and a teacher. I have had several who have influenced that desire, but Coach Willig was the very first person who instilled that calling into me. I will forever be indebted to him, grateful for the time I was able to know him, and feel honored to have been one of his kids.

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Congratulations on becoming the 45th president of The United States of America. No matter anyone's view on you as a person, it is a great accomplishment to be the leader of the greatest nation in the world. 

I have traveled to many places outside of this country. I have been to Asia, Africa, Mexico... The more I travel, the more I see how other cultures and governments operate. I have seen children living in extreme poverty, covered in scabs and bites, sleeping in mud huts. I have spoken to 14 year old sex slaves wearing silk dresses and red lipstick standing on the side of the dirt streets waiting for a man to pay. I have held Mexican orphans in my arms, no more than a few months old, and told that they were locked in a their home with their 5 siblings while it was set on fire by their drug dealing parents who didn't want to pay for them anymore; by the grace of God, they survived and now live among other orphans with similar stories. I have seen horrors first hand. I have seen government oppression first hand. I have seen what truly awful leadership looks like, and I truly believe that you, Mr. President-Elect, are not that.

I have heard the things you've said in the past and frankly, it doesn't matter if I agree or disagree, or how I feel about it at all. It doesn't matter who I voted for or what I hoped the outcome would be. The fact of the matter is that you will be the 45th president of this great place, and I intend to respect that. 

I know you see the people in the streets rioting, burning flags, beating people up, shooting others because they thought they voted for you. But I don't blame you for that. 

I know you hear about the students who are standing at their high schools yelling at Hispanics to "pack their bags". But I don't blame you for that either.

I know you see the division, the disfunction, the disunity that has erupted since the election. But I don't blame you.

I blame us. I blame those who believe that this will accomplish something. I blame those who have chosen violence as an appropriate response to their fear. Just as we punish a rapist for the rape, and not someone who condoned the rape, I blame the people who have chosen this response, not anyone who condones it (again, I still don't know what you condone, because I have never met you).

Although you will never read this, I wanted to say that I am praying for you. The Bible says very clearly in Titus 3:1-2 "Remind them to submit to the government and its officers. They should be obedient, always ready to do what is good. They must not slander anyone and must avoid quarreling. Instead, they should be gentle and show true humility to everyone".

It also says, "I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them. Pray this way for kings and all who are in authority so that we can live peaceful and quiet lives marked by godliness and dignity. This is good and pleases God our Savior,  who wants everyone to be saved and to understand the truth." in 1 Timothy 2:1-4.

And so that is what I will do. I will pray for you, Mr. Trump. I will pray that you lead with wisdom, with compassion, with strength. I will pray for my nation, that there will be peace, unity, love. I will pray that people will not blame you for the bad nor rely on you for the good. 

Once again, congratulations, Mr. Trump. I look forward to the next four years with optimism and hope for my home, the United States of America.

Chuck.

This was my view at a funeral yesterday. Let me be clear, I am not complaining; I am not mad; I am not frustrated. In fact, it was a blessing.

Yesterday, we celebrated the life of Chuck Stadeli. He was the father of one of my dearest, dearest friends from my hometown of Silverton. Last week, at the young age of 64, his life unexpectedly ended. I had just seen Chuck a few weeks ago at the grocery store. He gave me a hug, like he always did, asked me how I was doing and what I was up to. He said he was doing well, I gave him another hug, and left.

I had no idea that would be the last time I would see him.

I always saw him at Oktoberfest, which is coming up in a couple weeks. He was always there with his family, and we would always run into each other, something I looked forward to. It won't be quite the same without Chuck this year.

At his memorial, I had to watch my precious friend speak about her father, who has now gone on. She stood there so strong, and shared memories and her words conveyed so much love. And I realized something... While I stood there for 2 hours in the heat, in a church with no more seats left, and so many people standing, I could barely see, I was immensely blessed. I looked around and saw a man who had touched so many lives, who had helped raise 6 lovely ladies, who had demons and struggles, but had overcome.

I thought to myself, "I wonder if my life would have the same effect, if I would leave the same legacy, if my children would say the same things about me, if a church would be filled.."

It challenged me. Chuck challenged me. I was challenged to live every day like its my last - as cliche as it sounds - because you really never now when it will be. Chuck had no idea that his life was ending that day. And I am not guaranteed tomorrow either. Is what I am doing right now purposeful? Is what I am mad about worth it? Am I helping someone today? Am I creating a legacy?

You are already severely missed, Chuck. The hole that your death created is obvious. But your legacy is large and challenging and respected.

R.I.P.

I Can't See Me

To be honest, my weight loss journey has been at a stand still.

I lost 38 pounds and was doing well.. Then I kind of stopped. I haven't gained any back (thank God), but I haven't lost any more either.

I started trying to process why I stopped, why I even got nervous thinking of losing all 100lbs. Why would someone be nervous about something like that?

I realized over the past few weeks that it was because I have an idea in my head of who I am and if I changed that drastically, I can't even imagine it. I literally cannot picture myself any different than I am right now, just like I can't imagine myself as a 50 year old woman, or a mom... I can't imagine myself 100lbs lighter.

I was making a delivery for my work the other day, and after I rang the doorbell, a kid came to the window, pulled back the blinds and yelled "Mom, there's a fat lady on our porch!" At first, I wasn't upset because I thought, "Well, duh, he means me. I am fat."

But then it made me sad and I realized not only do others see me that way, but I see myself that way. I realized that there is a comfort for me in my weight not changing, in this being who I am because I simply cannot fathom what it would be like to be any different.

As I move forward & lose the 62 pounds I have left, I go with a new mindset. This "fat lady", this weight does not define me and it is not who I am. I have released the need for this to be my comfort blanket. I want to carve out the real me and shed all that's holding me back.