Years

Its amazing what a few years can do for you.

Growth. Maturity. Regret. 

If I knew then what I know now about myself... life... God... Gosh, I would've done things so differently. I would've trusted myself more, listened to my gut more. Looked to God as more than just the rule maker and viewed Him as my friend. Every moment would've meant more knowing that there are no redos, there are in fact consequences.

I have been so darn contemplative recently. I need to get over this. 

Someone smack me.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

To my Husband

To my incredible husband,

No words can express how much that I love you. Every time that I think that I couldn't possibly love you more, I find out just how wrong I am.

No words can express how much you have changed my life. I am a completely different person than before I met you.

No words can express how much I do not deserve you. All my insecurities, all my selfish actions, all my hurtful words, all my negativity... You put up with it, you deal with it, and you love me despite it.

Every single day I wake up and remind myself that yes, this is not a dream, and I am in fact married to the most amazing man I know. You are a fantastic husband, a loyal friend, an encouraging leader of our home, an unselfish lover, and eventually, I have no doubts you will be an incredible father.

Thank you for choosing me, and sticking with me. You are absolutely amazing. I am blessed to be your wife. I can't wait to continue our forever.

Love always,

Me

Angry

As I was driving home tonight, I got angry.

Angry because people mock the God I love.

Angry because people come up with every other story in the book as to how the earth was created, taking away the glory from the God I love.

Angry because people who call themselves Christians give the God I love a bad name.

Angry because people are dying and going to hell when there is another way - the God I love.

Angry because people say all roads lead to heaven, when the Jesus I love was tortured, beaten, mocked, and killed on a old wooden cross like the worst of criminals.

Gosh dang it, I am angry.

Running

How in the heck do I run?

I am not a runner. During basketball practice, I hated running. Absolutely loathed it. I can still hear Coach Steers yelling baseline, the whole team lining up behind the basket, and me coming in last every time.

Even if I was skinny, I wouldn't be a good runner. My knees are bad, and I have ZERO form. I look ridiculous running. My feet are clunky, there is nothing graceful about me.

But I don't have money for a gym membership, I don't have a group of people I can play basketball with every single day, nor do I have the space for gigantic equipment to take up space in my apartment.

So I am thinking one of my only options is learning to run. Just suck up my hatred for it, get my big butt out there and lose the darn weight with some running shoes on.

Any suggestions?

Douglas

My father is the greatest.

No really, I promise. He is.

Everyone says that, right? Especially around Father's Day. But I genuinely believe that this man is the best.

He always pushed me to be the best I could be, not number one. He took interest in the things I enjoyed. He was at every basketball game, every track meet, every church concert. He helped me to learn, grow, and become who I am today.

He never hit me, cussed at me, called me names, and he never left. I look at all the other fathers who have done these things, and it makes me appreciate who my father is to me.

He taught me what it means to love God and to follow His voice above all others. He showed me what it means to be resolute, steady, and strong.

Above all, he loved me unconditionally. No matter what I did, he has always loved me, though God knows I tested it. I am eternally grateful to this man, Doug Morgan, for being the father that helped me become the woman I am today.

Daddy, I truly love you with all of my heart.

Skinny

A friend posted this on her status yesterday:

"Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels." -Kate Moss

It was just what I needed to hear.  Getting back on the weight-loss bandwagon and really trying to stick with this has not been easy. But this morning, I will have raisen-bran with non-fat milk. For lunch, chicken salad sounds yummy. Do I want something deep fried? You betcha.

But Kate said it best. And I need to remember that.

I know there have been "getting back on the weightloss journey" posts before, but that is the nature of this beast. I do hope that this is the last one.

Dreaded Post

This has been a post I have been putting off for a while.

Dang. I need to write it. I need to be transparent.

I started this blog as a way to keep myself accountable to the weight loss. It has veered off somewhat into a general whatever-the-heck is going on in my life or I am thinking, I write about it. But each and every day, I think about the weight loss.

I have learned through my weight loss journey that I have so little self control.

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love." 1 Peter 1:6-7

The diet part of this journey is horrible for me. I love food. Deep fried, fast food, dessert.... yummmm. Portion control, calorie counting, avoiding fatty foods - not my forte. But I have decided to make it a priority. I have to learn self control, or this is all a large waste of my time.

So this morning, I had cheerios and a banana for breakfast, and a Subway chicken sandwich for lunch. I am thinking a big salad for dinner with maybe a veggie soup? There has to be a way for me to continue with this. There has to be a way to get some self control.

I guess I just have to keep in mind that the pain, effort, sacrifices I make now all lead to the bigger picture, what I truly want. I want the weight loss more than a french fry. I need to remember that.

Regret

The past is a funny thing...
They say not to have regrets, because at one time it was exactly what you wanted.
Sounds nice, but I am not sure its logical.

I have quite a few regrets - too many guys, too many drinks, too much time, money, and emotion wasted on stupid, useless, forgotten things and people.

Darn.

Want to know something cool though? Despite all my regret, and the times I sit here and regret, I hope I can help somebody... anybody.

The kids at youth ask me questions about crazy things - cutting, sex, alcohol, you name it. One of the only good things about dabbling in these things myself is that when the kids talk about it, I can understand and tell them that truthfully. I can empathize with them, and be open so that they trust me. Same way with my younger siblings.

I just hope people learn from me. I just hope any kid, any youth, any of my siblings would look at the things I regret and make it a learning experience, so they don't have the same regret.

Tonight, that above all else is my prayer.

Yoshi

Here's Yoshi :)

He is our little guy that we got yesterday. He is a pug/dachshund/chihuahua mix. He is adorable. I am in love already, and so is Daimian!

He is potty trained, which is fantastic. Last night, he only had one accident, but slept through the night with little trouble (only a few whimpers). He loves belly rubs and following me around the apartment. He is currently cuddled up with me.

Earlier, I posted about a dog named Woody we were going to get from the Humane Society. We weren't the right family for him. He wasn't the right dog for us - but he helped us find Yoshi, and I hope he finds a good home too.

I am so excited. I am sure you'll hear more about him! :)

Big 5

I miss Big 5.

I know, I know. I am the one that quit. Through all the complaining I did, I still miss it. I miss the people there, I miss the stories of crazy customers... I am not quite to the point where I miss doing truck every Friday... going through box after box, hanging up the new merchandise. I even miss Alicia :)

Somedays I wish I didn't have to quit. Others, I am glad to be free and to be able to work at the church and go to school.

To any Big 5 employees that may stumble across this... I do miss you.

Graduation

Last night Daimian and I made it to 3 different eighth grade promotions in one evening. We saw several of our youth receive awards and somehow make it through middle school and onto high school (just kidding, they are a smart bunch... kinda)

We are so stinkin' proud of them. I feel like a proud mama. We love our youth so very much. Thursdays are a crazy time of frustration, happiness, sadness, joy, anger, love... They are a crazy bunch, all of them, but I would do anything for them, and I know Daimian would too.

Its weird being youth pastors. On one hand, we have to be stern an discipline sometimes, because they test us. But I love being their friend, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen. These 8th graders made me really understand just how deeply I care for them. Seeing them walk across the stage and knowing they are going to face high school next, I know they'll do great.

Tonight, I will go see our 2 seniors graduate from Stayton High School. College is the next step, and these 2 girls are going to kick butt. I am so darn proud of them.

I think I need a tissue.