Peace Out, 2016

Man, this year.. I remember sitting at the end of 2015 with so much anticipation and hope for the year. I remember kissing my husband and looking forward to all that was to come for us and for my family, church, and friends.

I had no idea that it would be my hardest year yet. It was the hardest year for my spiritually, emotionally, in my career (or lack there of), and financially. We got into a car accident, two cars died, couldn't pay off some debt like we had hoped, got turned down for job after job... My family experienced its hardest year by far. 

I am so ready for 2016 to be over.

But I am determined to look towards 2017 with hope. I am determined to look forward to the future with anticipation and optimism. I am determined to remember the good times I have had this year.

I celebrated 6 years of amazing marriage with my patient, wonderful, hard-working husband.

I celebrated birthdays of loved ones and friends.

I spent time with friends who bless me.

And I have my family, my loving, generous, crazy family.

Most importantly, my God is faithful, my God is steadfast, my God is love, my God provides, my God never changes, my God cares. Good or bad times, He is here. Through all of 2016, He was there. In 2017, He will be there. His plans and His ways are greater than mine. 

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end;

23 they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." -Lamentations 3:22-23


Happy New Year & God Bless. Here's to 2017.

Coach Willig

I sat in a wooden pew this morning and listened to story after story of a great man. Students, players, friends, colleagues, relatives stood and spoke about his compassion, his humor, his love, his passion, his fortitude, and how he inspired everyone around him.

I remember meeting Coach Willig for the first time when I was in 8th grade. He came to an AAU practice and watched us play as he would be our coach the next year. He shook my hand and introduced himself. I told him my name and mentioned that my goal was to make the varsity team my freshman year and that I had been working hard this past summer to make the team. He said "Keep working hard." He invited me to go to Gonzaga University with the high school teams. On our way, he walked to the back of the bus, handed me a varsity shooting shirt, and said "Here's your shot. Don't blow it."

From that moment on, I was one of Willig's players, one of his kids. He never made me feel second-rate just because I was a freshman or I wasn't a starter. He invested into me the same he invested into everyone else. He taught us to work hard, to laugh, to give it your all, and to pay it forward. He believed in me when a lot of people wouldn't have. He gave me a chance when most wouldn't have. I accomplished my goal of making the varsity team freshman year, but the coolest part about that was it meant I got to have Willig as my coach.

My hearts desire is to be a basketball coach and a teacher. I have had several who have influenced that desire, but Coach Willig was the very first person who instilled that calling into me. I will forever be indebted to him, grateful for the time I was able to know him, and feel honored to have been one of his kids.

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Congratulations on becoming the 45th president of The United States of America. No matter anyone's view on you as a person, it is a great accomplishment to be the leader of the greatest nation in the world. 

I have traveled to many places outside of this country. I have been to Asia, Africa, Mexico... The more I travel, the more I see how other cultures and governments operate. I have seen children living in extreme poverty, covered in scabs and bites, sleeping in mud huts. I have spoken to 14 year old sex slaves wearing silk dresses and red lipstick standing on the side of the dirt streets waiting for a man to pay. I have held Mexican orphans in my arms, no more than a few months old, and told that they were locked in a their home with their 5 siblings while it was set on fire by their drug dealing parents who didn't want to pay for them anymore; by the grace of God, they survived and now live among other orphans with similar stories. I have seen horrors first hand. I have seen government oppression first hand. I have seen what truly awful leadership looks like, and I truly believe that you, Mr. President-Elect, are not that.

I have heard the things you've said in the past and frankly, it doesn't matter if I agree or disagree, or how I feel about it at all. It doesn't matter who I voted for or what I hoped the outcome would be. The fact of the matter is that you will be the 45th president of this great place, and I intend to respect that. 

I know you see the people in the streets rioting, burning flags, beating people up, shooting others because they thought they voted for you. But I don't blame you for that. 

I know you hear about the students who are standing at their high schools yelling at Hispanics to "pack their bags". But I don't blame you for that either.

I know you see the division, the disfunction, the disunity that has erupted since the election. But I don't blame you.

I blame us. I blame those who believe that this will accomplish something. I blame those who have chosen violence as an appropriate response to their fear. Just as we punish a rapist for the rape, and not someone who condoned the rape, I blame the people who have chosen this response, not anyone who condones it (again, I still don't know what you condone, because I have never met you).

Although you will never read this, I wanted to say that I am praying for you. The Bible says very clearly in Titus 3:1-2 "Remind them to submit to the government and its officers. They should be obedient, always ready to do what is good. They must not slander anyone and must avoid quarreling. Instead, they should be gentle and show true humility to everyone".

It also says, "I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them. Pray this way for kings and all who are in authority so that we can live peaceful and quiet lives marked by godliness and dignity. This is good and pleases God our Savior,  who wants everyone to be saved and to understand the truth." in 1 Timothy 2:1-4.

And so that is what I will do. I will pray for you, Mr. Trump. I will pray that you lead with wisdom, with compassion, with strength. I will pray for my nation, that there will be peace, unity, love. I will pray that people will not blame you for the bad nor rely on you for the good. 

Once again, congratulations, Mr. Trump. I look forward to the next four years with optimism and hope for my home, the United States of America.

Chuck.

This was my view at a funeral yesterday. Let me be clear, I am not complaining; I am not mad; I am not frustrated. In fact, it was a blessing.

Yesterday, we celebrated the life of Chuck Stadeli. He was the father of one of my dearest, dearest friends from my hometown of Silverton. Last week, at the young age of 64, his life unexpectedly ended. I had just seen Chuck a few weeks ago at the grocery store. He gave me a hug, like he always did, asked me how I was doing and what I was up to. He said he was doing well, I gave him another hug, and left.

I had no idea that would be the last time I would see him.

I always saw him at Oktoberfest, which is coming up in a couple weeks. He was always there with his family, and we would always run into each other, something I looked forward to. It won't be quite the same without Chuck this year.

At his memorial, I had to watch my precious friend speak about her father, who has now gone on. She stood there so strong, and shared memories and her words conveyed so much love. And I realized something... While I stood there for 2 hours in the heat, in a church with no more seats left, and so many people standing, I could barely see, I was immensely blessed. I looked around and saw a man who had touched so many lives, who had helped raise 6 lovely ladies, who had demons and struggles, but had overcome.

I thought to myself, "I wonder if my life would have the same effect, if I would leave the same legacy, if my children would say the same things about me, if a church would be filled.."

It challenged me. Chuck challenged me. I was challenged to live every day like its my last - as cliche as it sounds - because you really never now when it will be. Chuck had no idea that his life was ending that day. And I am not guaranteed tomorrow either. Is what I am doing right now purposeful? Is what I am mad about worth it? Am I helping someone today? Am I creating a legacy?

You are already severely missed, Chuck. The hole that your death created is obvious. But your legacy is large and challenging and respected.

R.I.P.

I Can't See Me

To be honest, my weight loss journey has been at a stand still.

I lost 38 pounds and was doing well.. Then I kind of stopped. I haven't gained any back (thank God), but I haven't lost any more either.

I started trying to process why I stopped, why I even got nervous thinking of losing all 100lbs. Why would someone be nervous about something like that?

I realized over the past few weeks that it was because I have an idea in my head of who I am and if I changed that drastically, I can't even imagine it. I literally cannot picture myself any different than I am right now, just like I can't imagine myself as a 50 year old woman, or a mom... I can't imagine myself 100lbs lighter.

I was making a delivery for my work the other day, and after I rang the doorbell, a kid came to the window, pulled back the blinds and yelled "Mom, there's a fat lady on our porch!" At first, I wasn't upset because I thought, "Well, duh, he means me. I am fat."

But then it made me sad and I realized not only do others see me that way, but I see myself that way. I realized that there is a comfort for me in my weight not changing, in this being who I am because I simply cannot fathom what it would be like to be any different.

As I move forward & lose the 62 pounds I have left, I go with a new mindset. This "fat lady", this weight does not define me and it is not who I am. I have released the need for this to be my comfort blanket. I want to carve out the real me and shed all that's holding me back.

Our Story: Part 4

{This post is a continuation of  a series about my husband's and my story. Read part one here, part two here, and part three here.}

It has been a lot of fun to retell the story of Mr. Dunn and I. It has been a bit since I wrote the last few parts of this story, but this story begins after we have been dating for about 2 weeks. He told me three words that usually don't get so early, but nothing was slow for us. He told me he loved me. I had only loved one person in my life, and Daimian had already come in and helped me heal, and had my heart in love again.

Two weeks later, marriage came up. We told no one, not family or friends, because 4 weeks dating and already talked of marriage sounded absurd. We went ring shopping one time and went on dating, having so much fun together, going to school together, just enjoying the moment.

May 30th, 2010, Daimian picked me up from work. He asked if he could take me to dinner and I said yes, but asked if I could please shower first. He stayed in the car and I went up to take a quick shower and change. I got dressed, went back into the bathroom to fix my make up, and when I came back out, Daimian was sitting at my kitchen table. I asked what in the world he was doing here. A large red gift sat on the table and I walked over as he smiled at me. He told me how he couldn't wait to give me a gift he got me and wanted me to open it. I sat down in the chair and opened the gift. It was a book of pictures of us from being friends to dating. On the back of each picture, he had written a note; some were about the picture itself, some complimenting me, but the last one told me he couldn't live without me and said "Turn Around".

Daimian was on one knee in my dining room, holding up the most gorgeous ring I had ever seen. He said the loveliest words, some of which I missed out of pure shock, and asked me to marry him. Of course I cried and choked out a "Yes" and he slipped the ring on my finger.

We had dated for 2 months and 25 days, but when you know, you know and we simply knew. Still to this day, it is the best decision I have ever made.

Our first picture together as fiances.

The Ring!

{Stay tuned for Part 5 - It won't take nearly as long for me to write it as this one did.}

The Stories He Told

I remember sitting in the chair across from my Grandpa Jack as he sat on the couch and spoke. My husband and I along with my parents, brother, and grandma had just watched Band of Brothers with him. We sat there and hung on to his every word as he talked about having to hide out in the trenches, boot camp, and maneuver around to safety.

Then his eyes started to well up and he spoke about his friends who were killed the day he fought in the Battle of the Bulge.

What you need to know about my 91-year-old grandfather is he is not emotional; he makes corny jokes and doesn't do serious stuff that often. He speaks English and Spanish fluently, and enough French, Russian, and German to get by. He likes to talk about his past stories, but they are usually just the funny ones or the weird ones, but rarely the sad or serious ones. But on this day, after he watched the depiction of an event he lived through so many years ago, it was like I was looking at a different man.

He told us how he had to step over the bodies of people he ate with and went through boot camp with. He saw people die, he saw them get shot, he saw bombs drop. Things that I cannot even fathom trying to imagine or understand, he endured.

I watched my funny, jovial grandfather cry for the first time. But he smiled as he told us that he was grateful he was still alive and got to live a long life. He reminded us that there were many who didn't, many who died fighting for this country, freedom, liberty, and love.

My words seem so inadequate to describe how grateful I am today. I am grateful that my Grandpa Jack lived, but I am also so very grateful to those who died fighting so that I can live in freedom; freedom to love, freedom to worship, freedom to speak, freedom to work, freedom to learn, freedom to choose. My life is what it is today because they fought, and they died.

inconvenient

Everyone I know is pregnant.
Ok not everyone, but almost everyone.
It feels like everyone.

I love it. Pregnant moms are beautiful, babies are cute.. I love it.. For them.

I just have a hard time picturing a baby in my life. I think about the day-to-day stuff I do and its hard to imagine a baby in that. I think about all the time I get to spend with my husband, and think how much a baby would change that. I think about how tight money is and wonder how a baby would fit into that. I think about a baby becoming a child and wonder how to balance school and soccer games and homework and I just can't see it.

I'll be honest, I don't love change (I've written about that before) and I don't love doing things I have never done before because I don't know what to expect or what to plan for. Babies are the epitome of all of that and that's scary.

I scroll through facebook, and moms are complaining about no showers and no time for themselves.. They can't even pee alone, they get no sleep, kids are brats, they can't wait until nap time... I wish I understood in my heart that kids were worth it. I see it some, don't get me wrong. But it feels like they are so much more of an inconvenience more than a joy, an annoyance more than a blessing.

I am just being honest here. I am just sharing whats truly on my heart. I know someday I want to be a mom and I want to make my husband a father, but in this new generation, theres a new outlook on babies, and its scary.

March 22

Today, my husband turns 26.

It seems silly to try and write out how I feel about him in a blog, because words really don't even come close (Cliche? Yes. True? Absolutely.).

I have never known a better man than Daimian. Literally, there is no person I like more on the planet. He is insanely patient with me, incredibly unselfish, wonderfully loving, insanely hard working, ridiculously handsome, always willing, and endlessly understanding.

He is a pastor, a friend, a lover, a teacher, a mentor, a brother, a son, a provider, a Packers fan, a researcher, a learner, a comedian, a board gamer, a speaker, a husband, listener... The list goes on.

I don't know how I ever got so lucky, and I don't know why out of all the women on earth, he decided I was the one that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. But, holy Moses, am I glad he did.

Daimian Michael, I admire you for all you have overcome, I am motivated by you for all you have accomplished, I am blessed by you for your unfailing love and patience (lets be real, you need a lot to be married to me), and I am honored beyond belief to be your wife.

Happy 26th birthday, baby. I love you so, so very much.

My Husband's Job

I'm not sure when it started. I think maybe its always been there. For as long as I can remember, I have not liked change. And by not liked, I mean hate. I mean like whatever I can do to avoid it, I will.

I remember one time - I think I was in 3rd grade - I stayed the night at my friend Lindly's house. She fell asleep, and I just laid on the ground in my sleeping bag crying. I listened to the clock tick all night long wishing I was in my own house in my own bed. That is my first memory that I can think of where change was not my thing.

Not a lot as changed since then. Yes, I can stay other places without crying all night, but to be honest, I don't love it. Whenever I have moved, it has taken me a while to feel at home and to not feel upset about it. Even when I went from junior high to high school, or graduated to college, there was some excitement, but a lot of worry. As soon as my dad came to get me to escort me down the aisle, I freaked out thinking about the change that was about to happen. And when my newest niece was born in November, I even worried about what changes that would bring to my family.

I understand a lot of the change that happens in life are good changes. I love my current home and wouldn't be here if we hadn't moved. My niece, Zo Zo, is amazing and adorable, and the change she brought is a good one. High School was thirty times better than junior high and was a wonderful change, but at the time, I couldn't see past my fear.

I think the biggest reason I hate it is because it means I am out of control. It means that as I hard as I try and as much as I plan, it really doesn't matter sometimes because I don't get to control life. Its also unknown. When I was in middle school, I knew what to expect day-to-day and I knew what I needed to do, but as I moved into high school, I was clueless.. It was so unknown. I hate that.

So when my husband lost his job right before Christmas - you guessed it - I was one unhappy camper. Most people wouldn't enjoy that news, but not only did I struggle with normal worries about what we were going to do, I knew instantly it meant change.

I don't write this because I am proud of this. I most certainly am not. I cried a lot that week, worried a lot that week, asked for a lot of prayers... When my husband was offered a new job doing the same exact work in a new area, it opened a new door for him to really do ministry again, and he became a missionary associate to do so. While I was wallowing in my fear and sadness, God was taking care of it exactly as He wanted to to take care of Daimian & I and fit His will. My initial response to Him was not trust - it was frustration, sadness, fear, anger - and though it was change, it was good and God had it the whole time.

I have asked for forgiveness for my crappy attitude, and asked God to help me trust Him the next time change comes along. I have a feeling that change is something I will struggle with my whole danged life, but I hope that each time change comes, I handle it better and better.

My Drug Is Legal

While other people's most liked social media pictures contained cute babies, selfies, or adventures, most of my pictures contained weight loss milestones. I had some scale victories, losing 36 pounds and some non-scale ones like clothes fitting SO MUCH better, losing pant sizes, getting to wear my wedding ring again.

But I didn't get nearly as far as I had hoped. I had a goal to lose 50 pounds and I was short.. embarrassingly short. The last part of the year was a struggle for me emotionally and mentally and it really stunted my progress.

I couldn't give up though. I had so many people cheering me on, asking about my health, some even asking me for advice, telling me I inspired them in their own journey. Its so humbling.

I realized too that I learned a lot. I learned that this lifestyle is doable forever. I learned its not a diet, but a different perspective on food. Most importantly, I learned a lot about myself.

First of all, I learned that I lacked self-control in a lot of ways, even outside of the kitchen, and that was something that I worked to fix in 2015. Secondly, I learned that while I thought I had overcome my addiction, I really hadn't. Does an addict ever really stop being an addict? Alcohol addiction must be paid attention for one's entire life, and I realized that is no different with food.

The problem is, my drug is legal. You don't have to be a certain age to buy it, you don't have to hide it from anyone, and honestly, you can't stop the drug completely like you can with vodka or meth. I have to eat! So instead of stopping, I just have to keep taking it and monitoring it.

Let me be clear - drugs, alcohol, and food are very different things... I get that. But, I hope you see my point. I had an unhealthy, emotional attachment to food. It dictated my mood - whether good or bad -, I thought about it often, I spent too much money on it, and I used it as a crutch, because I could control it and for a moment, that control felt good. I HATE not being in control (maybe a post for another time) and food made me feel like I was, even if it wasn't real.

I have a lot more to learn in 2016, but I realized that even if I didn't get quite where I wanted to with my pounds lost, there is still so far that I came on this journey and I am EXCITED to see how much further I get this year!