I can't remember a time where I didn't struggle with my weight. Even in high school when I had three hours of basketball practice or weight training for track to help me, it was still a battle. Once the team sports stopped, something didn't click in my brain and here I am today.
I have had a lot of times where I have tried diets, jogging, phone apps, and gym memberships. Nothing ever stuck and I never did anything consistently. But I never really made it a priority because I didn't really need to. I've never really been self-conscious and I have still been able to do all the things I wanted to do. But, here I am today.
Today, I weigh more than I ever have. It is an incredibly uncomfortable and embarrassing thing to write about, but something that needs to be addressed. It hasn't been until recently that I have really looked back and seen all the things being unhealthy and overweight has cost me. It was a slow decline; I didn't realize it as it happened. Little by little, it cost me more and more. It wasn't until I stopped and turned around and counted that I noticed what was gone. Here I am today.
It has stolen a lot from me. It has stolen basketball from me. I can barely even play. When I do, I always end up hurting something... a knee or my back. I can't shoot or play defense like I was taught. I want to coach someday, but what school or athletic director would trust me? I wouldn't trust me, not like this.
It has stolen power from me. It gets to decide how I feel.. Sometimes I am tired, sometimes I am sick, sometimes I am fine, but I don't decide. It decides what I can and cannot do. I can't go skydiving or ride on certain rides at six flags. I can't wear the clothes I want to or shop in the stores I want to. I get to pay more money to buy clothes that actually fit.
The one thing that hurt the most, the thing that motivated now more than ever in my 24 years, was when I began a discussion with my husband about when we should have kids. Please pay close attention to the fact that we ARE NOT trying, no matter what Daimian tells you (he likes to joke). We have no plans of becoming parents soon. But, we were having a serious discussion about a timeline and it wasn't being dictated by our finances or our living situation. It wasn't being decided by my wants or Daimian's desires. Even the idea of if we thought we were ready or not didn't matter. I think you can guess what drove the conversation... My weight.
I repeat, there is no Dunn Baby happening any time soon. Yet, that wasn't really the point. What hit me over the head like a ton of bricks was the fact that once again, it was in control of my life. The other stuff, the basketball and the clothes, and the skydiving, that was all stuff that didn't really matter, at least not compared to bringing a soul into the world. I wanted to be the one to decide when I became a mom. I didn't want to deprive my husband of a baby when he wanted one just because I enjoy french fries and can't get my butt to the gym.
And so, I decided that no more, no more would something have power over me. I would be the one in control of my own life, my own destiny. If anyone else has control, it will only be the good Lord, not my darn weight. How ridiculous? How stupid that it took this to long, this much weight to understand how much power it really had over me, how many decisions it was making for me, and how many things it was stealing away from me.
I let it. I let it have control. I let it make decisions. and I let it steal.
No more.
I am in control now. I am making decisions now. It will not longer still anything from me.
