Is that a calling?

Last night I finally got to see my girls play ball at the high school where I helped coach last year. During my brief time with them last season, I came to care about them so very much and I miss them now that I am no longer an assistant. Watching them from the stands rather than the bench hurt my heart.

I believe everyone is put on earth for a reason, and I am no exception. For quite a few years, I have struggled trying to figure out what exactly my reason was. I found a love for teaching that I know is a part of my calling, thus the masters degree, but I felt like there was more, that something was missing. After I started coaching last year, I thought, "Maybe this is the missing piece?" But how could it be? Its basketball.. A sport. A sport I love, but nonetheless, still a sport.

How could coaching be a calling? Basketball is just basketball... This year, because of school and life I have been too busy to help anywhere with coaching and it has been devastating. Its weird to go from doing something I love so much to just not. But, I realized something through not being able to coach this year... it is part of my calling and that is perfectly okay.

All my life, growing up in the church, there are times where I have felt pressure to fit my calling in the box. Missionary, pastor, worship leader... It has to fit in the ministry box. But when I think back to the difference my coach made on my life when I was in high school, I see it is absolutely a ministry. Watching my sister's coach this year, a pastor and a coach, has really taught me that it can be part of the reason you are on earth. Seeing my uncle make a difference in the lives of a lot of young men in his town has helped confirm it. The relationship formed with the players is uncompromising. There is still an inner struggle, a question of whether I am just letting my love of the Portland Trailblazers, Larry Bird, and the game in general get in the way of what I really should be doing. But I am passionate about it. I love talking about it, I love going over x's and o's, I love watching it, I love studying it, I love playing it, I love it all, but most importantly, I love connecting with the players.

All that to say this, it is okay that my calling is different than those in the box. It is okay that my calling has to do with sports. I can make a difference wherever I am called, whether that is the bush of Ethiopia, the orphanages in Cambodia, the streets of L.A., or the basketball court in Oregon. And I have learned to be more than okay with it. I have learned to love it.

Greek

I try not to let my posts ever become a place where I can just whine. I know you 3 readers don't want to read it and I certainly don't want to write it. So hear me when I say I do not want this post to be me whining.

I had a breakdown yesterday.

I couldn't really pay too much attention to the Super Bowl because I was in the middle of an eight hour (yes... eight) period of time dedicated to my Greek homework. By the end, my eyes were crossed and I was seeing so many kappas and gammas I thought I was in a frat house for sure.

This masters is kicking my butt.

Its where all of my time goes.
Its where all of my money goes.
Its where all my energy goes.

I rarely see my family, I have had to miss church and give some of my responsibilities away, I had to stop helping coach my sister's basketball team (which let me tell you, coaching basketball is my #1 passion), and have even gotten in trouble at work for not getting some of my stuff done on time. People ask me over and I always have to say no. And I spent the Super Bowl in my apartment having to turn down every invitation to a party that I got.

So about my breakdown, I just started crying. My husband looked over and thought something major was wrong. I told him I felt silly because I was crying over a dumb ancient language, but really it goes deeper than that. I just need some assurance from the big guy upstairs that all of this that I am doing is really what He wants me to do... I just need Him to tell me, "Yes, it will be worth it in the end.. All the sleepless nights, stressing so bad you're physically ill, a complete lack of interaction with other humans, it will all be worth it." I need His strength. I need His confidence. I need His assurance.

I know people have it worse. I don't have cancer. My child isn't sick. No one has died. I haven't lost my home. I get all that. But for a moment, this season of my life is the probably the most stressed, the most overwhelmed I have been.

I just want a reminder that I am on the right track and He will make it all work out for the good of me who loves Him.