Phil Robertson

I know, I know. This topic has been on every news station, TMZ, twitter, facebook... EVERYWHERE. But it really hit me and I just had to say something. 

First off, I love Duck Dynasty. I own all the seasons. I have watched every episode. I own a book they wrote. I love them. But, this is not the reason I am in support of Phil Robertson (my second favorite character, only behind Uncle Si of course). 

But before we get into that, I have a one thing to say to those who are so very angry towards him, to those who are gay, bi-sexual, transgender, or in support of those....

I am sorry.

I am sorry that the Christian community has decided that this issue is something that they want to bring out their worst judgment and hate for. I am sorry that a group pickets funerals with signs that say "God hates fags" in the name of Jesus. I am sorry that the church has decided that all the other sins the Bible talks about don't get nearly as much attention because somehow they've decided that this sin is worse than all others where the Bible does not make that claim. 

In fact, it lists a whole load of sins who will not see the Kingdom of God including "wrongdoers" which if Christians would look at themselves, there could be found quite a few of those. So this one thing is not something that is worse than others. All sin separates from God. ALL. 

So again, I am sorry. I am sorry that as a body of believers, we have not shown the love that you deserve. Do I agree? No. You have convictions, and so do I, but that does not mean I love you less. And more importantly, God does not love you less. In fact, He loves you more than anything on earth. 

Now, onto Phil. While A&E is not a government entity bound by the constitution, it is only logical that everyone should be able to speak freely. Can A&E respond as they wish? Yes. They have the right. Do I have to agree? No. I think that of everyone in this media mess, Phil is the victim. Regardless of if you agree with his view or disagree is not the point. The man spoke in his right to speech and his right to religion. If we collectively and unanimously do not defend that right, then it will be gone for all, those who support gay marriage and those who don't. Soldiers sacrificed their lives for this right, our right to practice religion and freedom of speech. We cannot disrespect or forget that. We cannot make this about gay marriage. 

As a Christian, I am grateful for the right to practice my faith. All of who I am, how I live, and what I do is based on it. And I am grateful that I can speak my mind on this blog, on facebook, and in conversation. I love that I live in a nation where this is ok. And I hope that our rights will continue to be a defining factor of this great country. 

Baby Fever

There is more than just the flu going around this season.
I caught baby fever.
I want a baby bad.
My sister is pregnant and I am so enjoying watching all the steps of her pregnancy, the growing belly, baby clothes, planning the shower, building the nursery, pinning Pinterest pins...
Of course I am not the one with the morning sickness, but still, you get my point.

But last night, I think my baby fever was quenched for a while.

My husband came home from work, and because of the snow, I couldn't go to work, so we had the evening to ourselves. He took me to Panda Express (we are in college people) where we sat and just talked about deep stuff, how God was working in our lives and how far we have come this year. Then we went all over finishing our Christmas shopping. He was patient and loving even though I knew he doesn't like shopping. He made me feel like he was fine with it because he was with me. We came home, and watched the Big Bang Theory while I tried to craft together some Christmas presents.

I say all that to say that I thoroughly enjoyed a totally not fancy, totally spontaneous, wonderful date night with my favorite person alive. I got home and realized if we had a child, this would not be possible. Is there such a thing as date night as parents? Of course. But the thought that we could just decide I am going out and doing whatever and I don't need a babysitter or to worry about anyone but the 2 of us was refreshing and relaxing.

I know that kids are worth it. I know that I don't even know what I am missing out on yet.
But for one night, I enjoyed just being married and not being a mom.
I enjoyed just being Mrs. Dunn out with my Mr. Dunn.

Marriage really is the greatest and I need to just breathe and be present and enjoy this moment, this season of our life.

Pay Attention

Why is it when the thunder rolls, we pay attention?
Why is it when the lightening strikes, we take notice?
Why is it when the rain pours, we feel the drops?

But when the thunder rages in the life of our friend, we hear nothing?
When the lightening crashes in the heart of another, we see nothing?
When the rain falls , we stay dry while those around is drown?

Open eyes.
Open ears.
Open hearts.

People are dying in a storm
And we know not until it is too late

Pay attention.

Remembering

Tonight, all over the country, parents and family members lit candles in honor of the little ones gone too soon.
I was no exception.
I stood with my mom and dad, my husband, and my cousin and her husband who had lost their baby at the waterfront park and we lit a candle in her honor with other grieving people.
We then let off balloons into the sky and watched as they floated towards heaven.
As my balloon was caught up by the wind, I cried.
A lot.
And then I cried some more.
I hugged my cousin and we cried together.
I remember the day we lost Alyse.
I still remember what it felt like to hold this tiny, precious child in my hands knowing she had already gone to be with Jesus.
She was so small, so delicate, so at peace.
Selfishly I miss her.
I know heaven is the best place in the world, so I do not grieve for her.
She will never know pain, or sin, or loss. She will only know love and happiness.
But me, I feel that pain.
I hadn't cried in so long that tonight, it all just came out.
Somedays I feel like I cry too much and she wouldn't want that.
Other days I feel like I don't feel sad enough and I am going to forget her.
All I know is that she should be almost 2 months old right now.
If things had worked out as I had planned them, I would be visiting her all the time and holding her and handing her back to her dad when she needed a diaper change and snuggling her and kissing her cheeks.
But that's not how God planned it.
And I have to be ok with that.

But I still miss her. Every day. Especially today.

(Photo Credit: Annie Willems)

(Photo Credit: Annie Willems)

Holy Anxiety Batman

Today, I received news that I had officially been accepted into Liberty University's Masters of Divinity in Biblical Studies program.

I am a graduate student.

Holy Anxiety Batman.

I should be excited. I should be ready to begin.

But I'm not.

Well, I am. Kind of.

I am so nervous. Do you know how much a masters degree costs these days? Do you know how much work it takes to complete a masters degree? Or how much reading I am going to do? And I am doing it online which is way different than being in the classroom. Did I mention I have to learn not one, but two incredibly difficult languages? I mean, have you tried learning Greek? How about Hebrew... Yeah, me neither.

Can I do this? Am I going to flunk? Why am I putting my husband and future family in so much debt?

Ok. I should've warned you when you first clicked on this how much complaining I was going to do.

But folks, I am freaking out.

I know this is where God wants me. I know this is a stop on my journey. I am just so nervous.

"The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace." Psalm 29:11

Apples

I went to the grocery store tonight and bought apples.
Do you know how many different kinds of apples there are?

Golden Delicious.
Red Delicious.
Fuji.
Granny Smith.
Jonigold.
Honey Crisp.

Shall I continue?

This is a bit out of control.
And then I came home tonight and saw this picture.

Some friends of ours are missionaries in Uganda. This is one of the elderly ladies that they were able to bless with blankets, reading glasses, and food.

What does this have to do with apples?

I am getting there... Promise.

The food they were given beans, rice, sugar, salt, and posho (a dish made of just cornmeal and water which is widely eaten in Uganda because it is so cheap).

They don't have a billion apples to choose from, or several rows of different kinds of meats. They don't have a line of cereal to pick from or a drink section longer than my whole apartment.

Is it bad we have those things? Of course not. I like those things. I buy those things. But it was a good reminder how gosh darn lucky I am. Its the little things that sometimes make me stop dead in my tracks and throw my heart and mind back onto the African continent with a good dose of gratefulness as I go.

I miss that place so much... So so very much. But I am eternally thankful for the little - and big - lessons it taught me and reminds me of today.    

D

I got a little crafty today.. I have hundreds of pins on Pinterest and I rarely get any time (or money... code for broke college student). I finally had some time today to throw a little something together. Its not Martha Stewart quality, but I thought I would share anyways...

I bought the frame from Goodwill for $2 and I got the "D" on sale at JoAnn's today. The paint I had. I spray painted the frame black and the D, I had some acrylic in my favorite color. I cut the string off the back and then I sandpapered the D and the frame, just so it wasn't in your face shiny and gave a little vintage feel...

I hung it up on the living room wall above the TV. The wall needs something else, maybe some pictures or something, but for now, this is good. 

Yes, that is One Tree Hill on my TV. Don't judge me.

What do you think?

Alyse Marie Serini

My last post was May 6.
3 days before I said hello and goodbye to my baby niece in the same kiss.
I remember on the day I wrote that post. Life was still fine.
I was untouched by severe loss and heartache.
The closest death had ever come was when my great-grandmother passed away quite a few years ago.

Theresa has always been the big sister I never had. We are only a couple years apart in age. Growing up, we were together a lot. From picnics to youth group to being on the same varsity basketball team, and her being a bridesmaid in my wedding, we have always been close.

Cousin just doesn't do it justice. Sister is much more appropriate.

I remember the moment my cousin told me she was pregnant.We were at my parent's house. She hadn't told anyone else besides her husband. I felt honored and excited. It didn't hit me that I was going to be an aunt until I heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time. At the 19 week ultrasound, we had the doctor write down the gender on a note card and took it to my friend to make cupcakes for us with the correct colored frosting inside. We met at Paddington's and surrounded by family and friends, Theresa and Dave found out the gender of their baby.

It was a girl.

Alyse Marie was the name they had picked out for a long time.

The planning began. Gray and yellow were picked for the nursery. Theresa decided elephants would go well with the color scheme. They bought curtains, a crib, clothes with baby elephants, yellow and gray everything. I bought her my very favorite book from my childhood, "I'll Love You Forever". I began to make a letter "A" out of a cardboard letter and jute. I set the date for the baby shower, planned the menu, and mom and I figured out how to schedule the days each of us would be babysitting her while Theresa was working and Dave went back to school.

Then came the ultrasound that changed it all. I was in between Corvallis and Halsey on Peoria Road when I got the text. She said "We got some really bad news. Call me when you can." I took a moment, said a prayer, and called her. When she told me what the doctor had said, it felt like the world stopped. In a matter of seconds, anger, sadness, confusion, fear... they all circulated through me.

The news was worse than "really bad". It was horrible. Alyse had hydrops meaning that she was very full of fluid and there was almost no fluid around her in the womb. She was underdeveloped, and there was something very, very wrong. Within a couple days, we were up at OHSU running every test possible, seeing several ultrasounds, and talking to several doctors. I sat there as the doctor looked at us and explained the severity of the situation. She told us that the best option was to terminate the pregnancy. There was nothing to be done, she said, and even if she survives, it won't be worth it. But Dave and Theresa pushed forward. This little girl was worth every test, every effort, every chance that could be given.

During one of the many ultrasounds where we got to see her beautiful face, we saw something that wasn't supposed to be possible. Because of the lack of fluid around her, she wasn't supposed to be able to move at all. But she lifted her hand out and waved. Seriously. I am not making it up. She waved. We thought it was to say hello. Little did we know it was to say goodbye.


We went home and waited for the test results. On Tuesday, May 7, Dave called me and told me the doctors told them they had to go back to Portland now. They thought they had found the problem and could fix it. So, we drove up and waited for the surgery with them. They were going to do a blood transfusion. She was anemic and they thought this would fix it and at least continue the pregnancy to an acceptable age where should could be born and successfully live outside the womb. There was only a 5% chance she could pass away during surgery. Dave and Theresa went in to the O.R. and my husband and I ordered food, turned on the Thunder vs. Memphis game, and played Seven Wonders while we waited in the labor room.

2 hours later I got a call from Dave asking which room we were in. I could hear the tears through the phone. As we walked into the hall, he was there, and all he said was "The baby passed away". This time the world really did stop. I don't remember anything from the moments after. It is all just a blur. Dave asked if I wanted to go back and see Theresa and I followed him, still stunned. I came into the room and I hugged my cousin and in that moment, it hit me. The tears came and they didn't stop for a long time. I talked to the doctor and he told me that her little heart just couldn't handle it and there was more to the situation than just anemia, so there would be even more tests.

I went home that night still in shock. Theresa asked me to go the house and grab some extra clothes and toiletries for them and Alyse's stuff. I walked into the house and avoided the nursery until the very last moment. I walked in and saw her stuffed elephant and I lost it. My husband found me on my knees on the floor weeping with this little gray elephant in my hands. I was so mad, so confused. I had prayed so hard. So many people had prayed. More than anything, I was so incredibly sad.

I returned in the morning after she was induced and was there until Alyse was born at 2:35 am on May 9. I walked in the room and got to hold her. It may sound strange. I know she wasn't really there. I know she was in heaven. This was just her body, empty of her spirit. But being able to see her, see what she looked like, hold her... That was life-changing. She looked like her daddy and had her mama's feet. She was so beautiful, so peaceful. I held her little hand and kissed her precious face.

When it was time to leave, I could barely bring myself to go. I kissed her cheek, told her I loved her, and hugged her for the last time. I got in the car and began to drive home exhausted, broken, and needing some time with my Lord. I asked my husband to turn around and go back several times. Of course, she was gone, but I just couldn't get past my denial.

My grief is still strong. I still cry. There's small things - like my board on Pinterest I made just for her - that I can't get rid of just yet. Her memorial service today has brought some closure. I feel more at peace. I can see some joy now in her memory and the impact she had as such a small person. The love that she taught me is something I have never known. My children will know about her. She will always be my very first baby niece.

Alyse Marie, I love you. You are so incredibly precious to me and I will never forget you. Thank you for teaching me so much in just 24 short weeks. I cannot wait to be with you and Jesus someday. Until then, I will try to make you proud.


I'll love you forever.
I'll like you for always. 
As long as I'm living, 
My baby niece you will be. 

Currently

READING: I got "Jesus Is" by Pastor Judah Smith from my husband for my birthday at the end of April. Because I am still in school, I haven't a chance to start it, but let me tell you I am super excited. It is number one on my list once summer comes. 

WATCHING: I am a reality TV junkie... I love Project Runway, Teen Mom 2, Shark Tank, and Restaurant Impossible to name a few. 

ANTICIPATING: GRADUATION! I will be a college graduate in a matter of a few days. Its taken me 5 years but I am finally here. Its really a bittersweet thing, though. I chose the best college ever and I am sad to leave it.

GRATEFUL FOR: My baby cousin. Many of you have read on my Facebook that the doctors have basically said there is no way she can live and make it through the pregnancy. But I am grateful for a God who cares and heals. And I am grateful for every day her little heart beats inside my cousin. I love her so much and I haven't even met her.  I am expecting nothing but a miracle for Alyse Marie.

LISTENING TO: I have been on a worship music kick lately. I mean, I always enjoy worship music, but lately it is the best way that I have heard God speak. It brings me peace and that is something that I have needed so badly these past few months. "Here's My Heart" by David Crowder, "The Great I Am" by Phillips, Craig, and Dean, and "Be Still" by The Fray are a few of my recent favorites. 

EATING: I have been trying to find healthy things for my husband and I that will fill us up, unlike salad. I bought spaghetti squash, jicama, cous cous, and quinoa. I haven't tried it yet, but I would love any recipes you might have. 

WORKING ON: Still on this stupid weight loss journey. I feel like it will be forever. I know its all a mental thing, a self-control thing, but I just can't seem to conquer it. I will keep working. 

WISHING: I am sitting here watching the Amazing Race finale (told you I was a reality TV junkie...) and I am currently wishing I had the cash to visit all these places they get to go to. Tonight, they were in Ireland. Can you say jealous?

23

On the 21st, I turned 23.
It feels a little weird to be 23.
They weren't lying when they told me time goes so fast.
My husband made sure that I had an incredible celebration.
He bought me one of my new favorite board games, a book I had been wanting, and I woke up to a bouquet of roses with 23 notes hidden around the house of why he loves me.

 

The night before he took me to dinner at Bentley's, one of my favorites.

 

Then Sunday, we spent with my family, whom I adore, playing games and feasting on delicious food. Mom made her delicious apple crisp and we went disc golfing at the park next to my parent's house. 

 It was a refreshing weekend that reminded me how much I am blessed, how alone I am not, and how grateful I am for an amazing husband, a beautiful family, and the privileges I have living in a first world nation. I am a lucky girl.

Here's to year 23!

He Knows

Its been over a month since I have written.
I haven't really had words.
Its not that I haven't had things to write about, but rather I haven't known how to write about them.
At the moment, my life is up in the air, my future uncertain, and nothing is in my control.
I have never been so vulnerable.
I sit at the feet of my Lord with arms outstretched, tears rolling, and I picture Him sitting there, looking lovingly at me, holding me as if to say "I know".
I appreciate that He doesn't need me to say anything.
That He simply knows.
Romans 8:26 brings comfort.
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."
 Thank God for this truth.
I have so much say, so much I am feeling, so much in the way of pain, but I cannot find the words.
But He knows.
He knows.
And for that I am grateful.

Twenty Three

Last Friday, Mr. Dunn turned 23.

I can't believe that this was the 4th birthday I have spent with him.

Every day, I am more and more in love with my husband and blown away by how much he loves me.

So I tried to plan a fun weekend to show him how much I love him too.

Friday, we got to sleep in, then I took him to lunch at one of his favorite places, Olive Garden.

Then we drove to Newport where we hung out, went to dinner, and my family surprised him on the docks so we could go crabbing for his first time.

Saturday, we went on the beach, played board games, and ate all the crab we caught.

It was a great weekend! I had so much fun, and I hope he did too. My family is the best and they have welcomed Daimian into our group with love and open arms. I couldn't ask for anything better.

It Can't Rain Forever

Night is not eternal.
Morning always comes.

Storms are not eternal.
Peace always comes.

Snow is not eternal.
Spring always comes.

Winter is not eternal.
Flowers always bloom.

Darkness is not eternal.
Sunlight always comes.

I have to keep holding on to the promise of sunlight, of spring, of peace, of morning, of flowers.
So easily has the darkness engulfed me.
It has exhausted every part of my being.
I feel hopeless, helpless, and crushed.
I must look to the promises.

It can't rain forever.
It can't.

Portland Sex

The first country I ever visited was Cambodia.
Cambodia is a gorgeous place with people who are so kind and amazing.
But Cambodia is also known for something that isn't so amazing. 
Sex Trafficking.

When I came home, it was definitely something I have never forgotten. The images of girls no older than 14 walking the streets in dresses similar to what American girls wear to prom - the sign of a prostitute - will forever be burned into my mind. I was only 15 when I traveled to the capital of Phnom Penh. I was only a few years older than some of these girls and I couldn't imagine losing my virginity to the highest bidder.

Since that summer, I have had a passion for those who are bought and sold in the sex trade industry. I have looked at Cambodia as a place that needs prayer, needs help, and needs hope. But recently, I have found that this horiffic reality is much closer to home...

Right here in Portland, Oregon.

I came across THIS article that was eye-opening to what is going on just down I-5 from my home. Portland’s legal commercial sex industry is the biggest per capita in the country. "While Seattle has four strip clubs, and Dallas, another trafficking hot spot, has three, Portland has more than 50 all-nude strip clubs within city limits. One directory lists 40 erotic dance clubs, 47 all-nude strip clubs, 35 adult businesses and 21 lingerie modeling shops." 

Portland is now known as a national hub of sex trafficking. "A demand for sex workers, the city’s geography that provides easy access for traffickers, and its reputation as a progressive youth-oriented community attracting runaways creates a toxic brew rivaling the notorious red-light district of Amsterdam."

Indifference is no longer an option. The thought of little children, girls and boys, being sold for a couple thousand dollars, forced to have sex with grown adults, treated as property... To say its sickening is an understatement. Its gut-wrenching and appalling. The darkness that engulfs Portland has to be addressed. But what can be done? 

The End It Movement is an organization that is working to bring attention to the this hidden issue worldwide. Please, go check out their website HERE and see what you can do to help.

These children need us. The world needs us. Portland needs us. Its time to End It.

Goodbye Grandma

My Great-Grandma Wells was diagnosed with a terrible disease known as Alzheimer's. Although she lost all of her recent memory, and even forgot who I was at the end of her life, I am forever grateful for the time we spent together as she spent her last four years living 2 rooms down from me. We created a bond that will not be broken.

In honor of the anniversary of my Great-Grandmother's death, a letter to her after the disease stole her from me:

Hi Grandma,

It's me. I do not even know where to begin. You died yesterday and I feel like my world has lost it's spark. I remember you telling me that if you ever did die finally to never lose my enthusiasm for living... That seems almost impossible right now. I wanted to write you a letter, so you could remember me in heaven.

There are so many things I wish I could say and I wish I could do with you. I am sorry for starting so late and letting so many years go by without letting you into my life. I wish that I had had more than just four years with you. I am sorry I didn't get there in time to say goodbye. I never wanted to face the truth, that this would actually happen. I did come see you, though you had already passed. I hope you know how much I love you. I hope you know how much I cherish the time we had together and the memories we made.

I'll always remember our dance parties in the living room. Every time Elvis' voice echoed in the room, your feet would start tapping and you started shaking your hips. I remember that when Patsy Cline's beautiful voice filled the air, you would lean your head back, close your eyes, and hum along. I remember sitting next to you and listening to stories of your childhood with your favorite red dress and how much you loved summer, just like me. I miss that. I miss you.

I have learned so much from you. You lived life to the fullest. Even when you were diagnosed with Alzheimer's and had to use the blasted walker, you kept on living and dancing, and singing, and laughing. You continued to fight the disease as long as you could and never gave up. I respect you more than I could ever tell you. You are my hero and one of my best friends.

I will see you again. Have fun while you are up there. Tell Great-Grandpa Chuck and Grandpa Roy hello for me. Save me a spot for my mansion next to yours. I cannot wait to see you again, free of disease and pain. I miss you, grandma, and I always will no matter how many days go by.

I love you, Grandma.

Goodbye.

You Were In My Dreams

Dear Child,

You were in my dreams last night. This is not the first time, and I doubt it will be the last. You tend to visit me often.

We don't know each other yet. I am not sure if you are born or still in waiting for the right time. You don't know me, but you will. Someday I will hold you when you cry, tuck you in at night, attend your sporting events, throw birthday parties for you, and fall in love with you in a way I have never known.

You will call me mommy.

We will look very different. Our birthplaces will be not only states away, but continents. I have been to your country. Uganda is beautiful... It actually reminds me of Oregon, which will be your new home. I hope you will find America to be beautiful and welcoming. You will be here with me and my husband. He will be your daddy. He is a good man. He loves Jesus, just like I do, and ice cream, and American football. You will also have grandparents that are so excited to meet you. They will love you just as I do.

I am so excited to meet you. I can't wait for that moment when I see your face for the first time, smell you for the first time, touch you for the first time. What will you look like? Maybe you will be bald... Or have a head full of hair. Maybe you will have full lips or long fingers. Maybe you will have a little belly or be tall and skinny.

Whatever you look like, I will love you just the same. I hope you will be glad to live with me. I hope you will be glad to call me mommy. I hope you will find love in our home - love for each other, love for Jesus, love for yourself, and of course, love for basketball.

Hold on, baby. I will be there as soon as I can. I am waiting for you. I am already loving you. I will see you soon.

Love is a Funny Thing

Love is a funny thing.
Loving people and being loved in return is the single greatest feeling in the world.
It truly is.

But there is the reality that someday I will lose the people I love.
Death is an inevitable fact of life.
Some day my dad won't be around anymore to play basketball with me.
My mom won't be there to call when I just need to talk.
My grandma won't be there to have lunch with.
My siblings won't be there to make me laugh.
My husband will not be there to kiss me anymore.

This is the fact of life.
And if I allow myself to dwell on this fact, I am overcome with sadness and brokenness.

But I can also use it as inspiration.
Inspiration to live each day more in love with them than the day before.
Inspiration to not fight. To laugh. To focus on the now.

It is easier said than done.

It is a harsh reality, but I also have hope of the afterlife, a reuniting of those most dear to me in heaven.

And I know how blessed I am.
Many do not have as much to lose as I do. I have so much to lose because I am so blessed.

I am so in love and I am so loved.