Dear 2015

Dear 2015,

I am glad you are almost done. Only a few more hours and we can part ways. I look back and see a year of high highs and very low lows. My emotions were stretched to the limit, my mind tested, my physical body sore & changing. You were the hardest time I have ever had in my 25 short years.

Don't get me wrong; there were good parts. I was blessed with my 5th year of marriage to my outstanding Mr.

We celebrated the first birth of my niece, Reagan Elizabeth.

We took a family trip to the coast and surprised my mom for her 50th birthday.

I visited Seattle for the first time.

I went to my very first Duck football game.

My niece, Zoey Rose, was born.

 I celebrated holidays, birthdays, etc.

I don't forget these times. I cherish them, and in fact the bad has made me cherish them more. But 2015, you were not nice to me. You were my biggest struggle, my most exhausting challenge, and on that I know I will eventually look back on and understand and see growth, but at this moment, I am looking to 2016 with hope that it will be better than you were. I am looking towards 2016 with hope, positive expectations, 

At the end of they day, 2015, you have taught me one thing: Life is not easy. Ever. But God is always faithful, always at work, and always in control, and that makes life good.

Here is to 2016.

Sincerely,

Je t'aime, World.

In the last week, it seems as though the world has gone nuts. Terrorists killing almost 200 people in Paris, bombings in the Middle East, so many dead at a Kenyan university, earthquakes... It has been a somber week, one of reflection for myself and I am sure, many others.

The other night, on my way home, I had to pull over off the side of the road because I couldn't see through the tears. It was raining, it was dark, and I was in the car alone. I began to pray for the world, for Paris, for Kenya, for Lebanon... My heart broke as soon as I spoke the first word to the Lord and I just could not stop crying. So, I pulled my car over and let the tears flow, I kept praying, asking God to heal, to bring peace, to bring wisdom, to show us His heart in all of this chaos. 

Then my heart broke more; I realized that while we are sad about what's happening, Jesus is even more so. He sees the hatred for each other, and this is not how it was designed. He sees each individual person, each one who passes away, each one who is injured, and yes, each one who kills. Then I felt guilty, because I began to cry for the murderers. I cried because I cannot imagine living in such a way as to hate so much. I cried because they died believing in something that wasn't true. I cried because they killed themselves in the name of something that isn't real. And now they will spend eternity separated from what is truth, Jesus. What a terrible life. What a terrible death. 

This isn't how it was supposed to be. God loves every person, He created every person, every race, both genders, each language, all cultures, but not for this purpose. His heart breaks, and so my heart breaks. He grieves, so I grieve. 

"If My people, who are called by My name, will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land." 

2 Chronicles 7:14

Ten Things

Ten Things You Didn't Know About Me:

1.) I got married when I was 6 years old to a boy named Jordan. He gave me a ring from his cupcake, we walked down the aisle at my church in Silverton, and my friend Tim officiated. It didn't last long though... I think maybe until the next time we saw each other a couple days later, which is still almost longer than Kim Kardashian & Kris Humphries...

2.) Speaking of Kim K, I LOVE reality TV. I would much rather watch it than movies... Chopped, Amazing Race, Survivor, Project Runway, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and my guilty pleasure, The Bachelor... 

3.) If I could go back in time for a week and relive it, I would go back to my senior year of high school when my great-grandma was still alive, I got to play basketball again with my girls, and life was much, much simpler. I miss those days. 

4.) I am allergic to coconut. I break out in a large rash if I eat it, use lotion or soap that has it in it, drink it... So I light a lot of coconut scented candles and melts.

5.) If I could be anything in another life, I think I would be a fashion designer.  I love the whole idea, I love designing, and I think Tim Gunn and I would get along splendidly. 

6.) My favorite food in the entire world is fried things.... Mozzarella sticks, fried zucchini, fried chicken, fried pickle chips, french fries.... Greasy, delicious, wonderful, hot, amazing food... I would choose it over dessert every time. 

7.) My favorite animal in the world is a monkey. VERY closely behind them is manatees and orcas.

8.) I do not like having no cell service. It makes me feel claustrophobic. 

9.) I have a confession - I don't like camping. I would much rather stay in a hotel and explore somewhere than sleep in a tent. 

10.) If I could live anywhere, it would be at the very top of a building with almost no walls, just windows, so I can look out over the lights and land. 

Why I Have A Different Perspective on September 11, 2001

Today is September 15, 2015.
Four days ago marked 14 years since the attack on our nation.

I was 11 years old on September 11, 2001. I remember getting ready for school, getting on the school bus, like any other day. My friend, Briana, and I sat in the back of the bus and she mentioned that a plane had crashed into a tall building in New York. I had no idea what she was talking about and I wondered what happened that made the pilot do that, what had gone wrong with the plane.

We got to school - I was in the 6th grade, Mrs. Schmitz's class - and I remember things were not normal that day. We went into reading time and the school was on lock down. They announced this over the intercom. Shortly after, students started being picked up by their parents. I rode the bus home early, walked into the door, and both my parents and my grandmother sat in front of the TV not speaking. I sat down on the floor. I remember the news showing the video of the first plane and then the second over and over. I saw the people running covered in ash and debris, the man jumping from one of the top floors to his death, firefighters, police, reporters... A blur of images still singed into my brain.

Every year when September 11th comes, I get very emotional, my heart is so sad, and being only eleven at the time, I couldn't figure out why I have always been so impacted. The babies that were born that year are now older than I was when this happened, I live clear across the country from where this happened, and I lost no loved ones during the attacks, but I am extremely impacted nonetheless.

I believe that those of us who are now between 20-26 have a unique perspective on this tragedy. I think it is unique because those older than us and those younger than us simply cannot understand how we see all of this. Here is what I mean:

As an 11-year-old, there was still an innocence to me... I watched the footage with a childlike understanding of what was going on. My mother decided not to tell me about what was going on before I went to school, but once I got there and I came home and saw what was going on, it was no longer hidden and I really tried to understand the best that my 11-year-old mind could.

For months, there was media coverage, a war broke out in Iraq, American flags were raised at businesses and homes, and I grew up in a world so different than the first eleven years I had lived. Adults were no more worried, there was more tension, less unity in some aspects...

Every year, when the anniversary arrives, and the images are once again flashed on my TV screen, flags are lowered, my heart is once again broken. I fight between the memory of my childhood fears and my feeble attempt at understanding, and my adult understanding of today. We were in this intriguing age that was just old enough, but still young enough and we saw the world from both sides.

Hey, Mamas, I Need You

I cannot believe how many of my friends and family are having babies...
My sister, my aunt, my cousin, and at least 3 friends I can think of just off the top of my head.

I am not pregnant, by the way, but it seems as though everyone around me is.

The interesting part is that as I talk with these pregnant mamas and hear some of the advice given to them, it is amazing to me..

Too much negativity. "Get your sleep now while you can" and "Labor is the worst pain I have ever been in..." Another one that happens a lot is "good luck". The one that I love the most? "Say goodbye to your husband".

Are babies easy? I can't say from experience, but I don't think they're easy. But I have heard they are worth it. Why not focus on some of the positives of motherhood? Why not focus on the good things about pregnancy? It makes women like me who want kids someday feel freaked out. Like "Look at all the crap you get to look forward to with nothing really good in return".

All throughout facebook, I read posts about the hardships of parenthood - and believe me, I appreciate the honesty, I appreciate the reality - but mamas, how about you comment and tell me your favorite parts of parenthood, tell me if its all worth it, tell me the positives. Help a sister out.

Future

I tend to think too far into the future.
I have always been a planner, and I love it. It helps me keep my stuff together, my brain not explode, and my life not be chaos.
But it has its negatives too.
Like I hate feeling out of control with things that I can't plan. I am often (and I mean often) distracted by 'what ifs' and all the things that could happen in the future.

News flash: THERE IS A LOT THAT IS OUT OF OUR CONTROL

Its a lot easier said than done to just "go with the flow" or "trust in God".
Hear me when I say this, I do trust God, and I know that He is good, no matter what happens, but sometimes, in my moments of these thoughts taking over my mind, my human nature wins out.

I was recently given advice that a lot of people live in the past (fortunately, that's never held me back) and they are often told not to. But a lot of people also look too far in the future (oh hey, that's me). Neither are living in the present. My worry about the 'what ifs' paralyze me from living in the now, when those 'what ifs' are fiction, not reality.

Anyone else deal with this, or am I all alone in this? Any advice on how to keep my mind and my heart enjoying the present, dealing with the present challenges, and leaving the future to God?

Not Just Yet

I cannot believe how many people are pregnant or popping out babies.
So stinking many.

My sister is among those who are pregnant, and believe me, I am BEYOND excited. I adore my niece, Reagan, and I know that a second one is going to be even more love and fun.

As soon as my sister announced that she was having another baby, I got lots of Facebook comments, messages, instagram comments, etc. about when I was going to have some cousins for her and when was I going to have one now that Laura is on #2. I know all the comments are said with good intentions, and I am not offended at all, so hear me when I say all this; I appreciate the comments, but there is a lot that goes into the decision of having kids and its something on my mind constantly.

When Daimian & I got married, we set a 5-year timeline of being together before we would have kids. In November, it will be 5 years. Our next goal was for me to have my degree. Originally, that was a bachelors, but when I changed my mind about my career, that turned into a masters degree, which I now have. Then, a new goal emerged, one that I had not anticipated, and that was my weight loss.

I have written before about my frustration with the fact that although I no longer make all the terrible choices I did previously, I still have to pay the consequences for it now. And one of those consequences is that I don't get to start trying for babies until I feel that my weight is in a place where I am ok with getting pregnant. It may sound silly to some, but it is what I feel is right for me.

My weight and pregnancy concerns me... I worry about a higher risk of miscarriage, gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, excessive weight gain during maternity, etc. It freaks me out so badly, and yet at the same time, I desire for kids.

So to answer the many comments and questions (which I am still not offended by), there are some things that need to happen before babies happen. My sister is on her second baby before her third wedding anniversary, and I don't have one and I am going on 4.5 years married, but honestly, there is no right or wrong answer. This just works for D & I.

So keep popping out babies and getting pregnant, because I LOVE seeing pictures and checking out announcements. And I will let you know when Baby Dunn is on the way.

The Acceptable Sin

Have you ever seen the show Intervention? My mom and I LOVE it and watch it all the time. It is exactly what it sounds like; a camera crew follows an addict around for a few days, you see them getting black out drunk or shooting up heroin and then they are surprised with an intervention from their family and go to rehab. The addictions on the show are about 60% drugs, 35% alcohol, and 5% bulemia/anorexia. 

Not once have I seen someone on there who is morbidly obese and addicted to food.

Because most don't see that as an addiction. Most don't see this as a sin.

I was that food addict, like I have talked about before. It literally controlled me. It controlled my mood, my emotions, my schedule, everything. I ballooned to 299lbs because of it and my BMI was in in the morbidly obese category. I was killing my self with food. I was dying by my own hand.

While it may not be as grotesque to some as shooting up a vein, it is so very similar. I am putting something in my body that is killing it, I have given myself to it and lost all self-control. I belonged to something other than myself and other than the Lord. 

But we sit in our church pews and our potlucks overeating, slowly killing ourselves, overweight, and point fingers at the drunks. Because food is the "acceptable sin". Its not drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, sex.... Its just food. 

Proverbs 25:28 says, "A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls." 

2 Timothy 1:7 reads, "For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

Self-Control is VITAL to life. It is not only a suggestion of God, but something that He gives us the power to do. I had no self-control. Galatians says it is a fruit of the Spirit, and I didn't have it. 

1 Corinthians 6:12 is the one that really hit me, "You say, 'I am allowed to do anything'—but not everything is good for you. And even though 'I am allowed to do anything,' I must not become a slave to anything."

Food is good, its delicious, its necessary for life, but to be controlled by it, to allow it to kill us slowly and live in obesity accepting the addiction is wrong, and it is sinful. It can no longer be tolerated. 

According to Gallup, " The percentage of U.S. adults who are obese continued to trend upward in 2014, reaching 27.7%. This is up more than two percentage points since 2008 and is the highest obesity rate Gallup and Healthways have measured in seven years of tracking it. More Americans who were previously overweight have now moved into the obese category". 

I can say that I am no longer a food addict. I am learning more and more self-control and it no longer controls me. But I am sad for those who live addicted, those who judge and do not see their own faults. I hope that people stop accepting sin, any sin, even this sin.

My Life Ended at 20

Some say my life actually ended when I was 20.
How you ask, since I turn 25 next week?

I got married.

I have so many people who say to me "How did you do that so young?" or, more commonly "Why? Why not wait?". My personal favorite is, "You had so much life to live... Why did you do that so young?"

Here's the thing, if my life ended when I got married, I am not doing it right.

My life did not end when I got married. In fact, it really kind of began. Why did I get married so young? Because I wanted to continue to live life, just do it with my best friend by my side. How is that bad? When I committed myself to Daimian on November 5, 2010, I committed to go on adventures, to dream big, to not get comfortable and complacent, and to live life excited and ready to go. We have traveled the world together, traveled our state together, had all kinds of fun and different dates, and given ourselves to each other in ways that no other relationship allows.

Not only that, but more importantly, my relationship with God is better. Marriage has made me more holy, more focused on Jesus, less on myself., Not only did my life continue - not die - and even got ramped up, but my relationship with Christ was taken to a brand new level that wouldn't have happened otherwise.

My husband pushes me to be better, he challenges me to dream outside of the norm, he encourages me to go after all my crazy desires, and he goes along with me. I promise you, I am not missing out on anything by getting married young, and I would do it ALL over again if given the chance.

Carving Out the Healthy

I was an athlete once. 
I played varsity basketball at a large high school for good coaches on good teams all four years of high school. I did the same as a thrower on the track & field team. 
I was fit, I could run, I played A LOT of basketball. 
I was an athlete once.

Then I got fat. There is an athlete in there somewhere, but right now, she is all kinds of covered up by bad choices, fat rolls, and too many years of losing I truly was.

A friend sent me this picture:

It hit me. Hard. This is exactly what my weight loss journey has felt like. This describes it 100% in picture form. This fat girl, this addiction to food, these bad decisions, that is not me. The athlete, the healthy person, the person who cares for herself, that is who I am, deep down. 

Have you ever seen Michelangelo's statue of David? Its amazing. He was asked one time how he was able to create such a beautiful piece out of a ugly, plain slab of marble. He answered, "David was inside the stone—I just needed to chip away all the pieces that weren't David." 

Yes! Bam! That is whats happening! That is what I am doing! Brittany is inside... Right now, I am just chipping away all the pieces that aren't Brittany. This fat girl, this isn't me. I am confident, I am an athlete, I am a doer, I am active, I am strong. This fat girl is none of those things. And now, I have to chip away all the pieces that aren't me. And that is exactly what I am doing. 

Thirty Pounds

Nobody ever did, or ever will, escape the consequences of his choices.

Alfred A. Montapert

I have lost 30 pounds.
That's a lot of pounds.
At least, that is what I keep telling myself.
See, my goal is 110 pounds. So 30 compared to 110 is not a lot.
But I can't let myself get there.
One pound at a time.

Thirty pounds is a lot. I have worked hard. My whole lifestyle has changed. The way I eat, my relationship with food, how I think about it, how much I eat it, how often I consume it, EVERYTHING about it has completely changed. My addiction to it as something I could control and something I needed is gone. I see exercise and working out as something not to dread or hate, but rather to enhance myself, to help myself, and I have found things I enjoy doing to work out such as disc golf, boxing, swimming, walking, and lifting weights. And, of course my most favorite, playing basketball, the game I love.

But, its slow going. I have been doing this since the end of October, so almost 5 months, and I have only lost 30lbs. That's embarrassing to type actually, because in my own estimation, with the amount of work this has taken and the amount of time I spend thinking about it, talking about it, working on it, etc., it should be more. The goals I had set for myself haven't happened as quickly as I was hoping for, as I was striving for.

But what is most frustrating to me about this whole journey is that I am still suffering the consequences of the choices I made long ago to become overweight. The decisions I made that led to this with all the laziness and the not caring and the stubbornness and the denial and the pizza and cheese sticks and Mt. Dew.... All of that which is now either gone or changed or enjoyed in moderation, well it doesn't fully matter just yet. There is progress, but I am still overweight. I still am not at a place where I want to try for babies, I am still at a place where a lot of my clothes don't fit, I am still at a place where I look in the mirror and really dislike what I see. My knees hurt, my back hurts, I still get winded doing stupid stuff... But why? I have worked SO. FREAKING. HARD. I am doing SO. FREAKING. MUCH. But the consequences... I still get to pay for those..

I know, I know... Someday I won't have to anymore. Someday, I will look back and this will all be worth it and it will be a distant memory and all these struggles will seem small compared to the triumph, but at this moment, I am tired of the consequences because I am working darn hard. Why did the old me ignore all the people who loved me gently telling me this was a bad path? Why did the old me decide that denial was better than punching it in the face? Why did the old Brittany rely so heavily on stupid food? Cause the me now gets to deal with it, and I will for a long time.

My apologies this isn't a whole lot more encouraging and happy. This is honesty.

Our Story: Part 3

{This post is a continuation of  a series about my husband's and my story. Read part one here and part two here}

Its been a while since part two of mine and Daimian's story, but school started, and that is ALL I do. No joke. 

Anyways, we have been to Mexico, and to college, and now we finally get to the juicy stuff. 

After a short relationship, and my finally letting go of my past relationship, Daimian and began to bond just as friends. For real, there was nothing romantic at all and I loved it... We both did. We were both going through a new chapter in our lives in several ways and previous friendships were changing, I was trying to decide what I wanted out of life, and Daimian stepped in as a confidant, a listening ear, a wise voice, and a funny (not to mention good-looking) guy that helped me along. 

Just Amigos (Nice hair, D)

On Valentines Day in 2010, my group of friends were all single, including myself and Daimian, so we decided to hang out at my place. I bought a picture frame that I thought he would like, printed the picture above, and gave it to him along with a card telling him how much I appreciated his friendship and him. He bought my a flower and a card, but still there was no romance... At least I thought.

A couple weeks later, we sat in the gym at our school for almost two hours helping each other let go of all the baggage and garbage and stupid stuff we couldn't before. It all seemed so darn traumatic then, but looking back now, it just wasn't such a big deal. Nonetheless, I went home that night even more thankful for Daimian and our friendship. But then I got to thinking about Valentines Day and how easy it was to talk to him and tell him things I had never disclosed to anyone else, and I wondered if I had been falling in love with him and didn't even know it. So I wrote to him on Facebook (thank God for social media being a shield for my scared buns. I basically told him that if he ever started to have feelings for me, I wanted him to be honest because I didn't want anything to ruin our friendship. He replied telling me that he did in fact have feelings for me, didn't know how to tell me, but didn't want things to be weird. 

The next day, he came over, we stayed up all night talking about LITERALLY everything, I made him pancakes, he went to work at 7:00am the next day on no sleep, drove back to Keizer from Albany after, and asked me to be his girlfriend. This was our first picture together:

Aren't we adorable?

Every single day since March 5, 2010, we have seen each other. I remember one time he even drove 45 minutes down I-5 after work for 30 minutes of hanging out before I had to go to my job at Shari's. THIRTY MINUTES, people. There hasn't been a day go by that I haven't seen him.

D's 20th birthday a few weeks after we started dating

The last part, part four comes next. Hopefully sooner than I got around to writing part three. :)