My Husband's Job

I'm not sure when it started. I think maybe its always been there. For as long as I can remember, I have not liked change. And by not liked, I mean hate. I mean like whatever I can do to avoid it, I will.

I remember one time - I think I was in 3rd grade - I stayed the night at my friend Lindly's house. She fell asleep, and I just laid on the ground in my sleeping bag crying. I listened to the clock tick all night long wishing I was in my own house in my own bed. That is my first memory that I can think of where change was not my thing.

Not a lot as changed since then. Yes, I can stay other places without crying all night, but to be honest, I don't love it. Whenever I have moved, it has taken me a while to feel at home and to not feel upset about it. Even when I went from junior high to high school, or graduated to college, there was some excitement, but a lot of worry. As soon as my dad came to get me to escort me down the aisle, I freaked out thinking about the change that was about to happen. And when my newest niece was born in November, I even worried about what changes that would bring to my family.

I understand a lot of the change that happens in life are good changes. I love my current home and wouldn't be here if we hadn't moved. My niece, Zo Zo, is amazing and adorable, and the change she brought is a good one. High School was thirty times better than junior high and was a wonderful change, but at the time, I couldn't see past my fear.

I think the biggest reason I hate it is because it means I am out of control. It means that as I hard as I try and as much as I plan, it really doesn't matter sometimes because I don't get to control life. Its also unknown. When I was in middle school, I knew what to expect day-to-day and I knew what I needed to do, but as I moved into high school, I was clueless.. It was so unknown. I hate that.

So when my husband lost his job right before Christmas - you guessed it - I was one unhappy camper. Most people wouldn't enjoy that news, but not only did I struggle with normal worries about what we were going to do, I knew instantly it meant change.

I don't write this because I am proud of this. I most certainly am not. I cried a lot that week, worried a lot that week, asked for a lot of prayers... When my husband was offered a new job doing the same exact work in a new area, it opened a new door for him to really do ministry again, and he became a missionary associate to do so. While I was wallowing in my fear and sadness, God was taking care of it exactly as He wanted to to take care of Daimian & I and fit His will. My initial response to Him was not trust - it was frustration, sadness, fear, anger - and though it was change, it was good and God had it the whole time.

I have asked for forgiveness for my crappy attitude, and asked God to help me trust Him the next time change comes along. I have a feeling that change is something I will struggle with my whole danged life, but I hope that each time change comes, I handle it better and better.

My Drug Is Legal

While other people's most liked social media pictures contained cute babies, selfies, or adventures, most of my pictures contained weight loss milestones. I had some scale victories, losing 36 pounds and some non-scale ones like clothes fitting SO MUCH better, losing pant sizes, getting to wear my wedding ring again.

But I didn't get nearly as far as I had hoped. I had a goal to lose 50 pounds and I was short.. embarrassingly short. The last part of the year was a struggle for me emotionally and mentally and it really stunted my progress.

I couldn't give up though. I had so many people cheering me on, asking about my health, some even asking me for advice, telling me I inspired them in their own journey. Its so humbling.

I realized too that I learned a lot. I learned that this lifestyle is doable forever. I learned its not a diet, but a different perspective on food. Most importantly, I learned a lot about myself.

First of all, I learned that I lacked self-control in a lot of ways, even outside of the kitchen, and that was something that I worked to fix in 2015. Secondly, I learned that while I thought I had overcome my addiction, I really hadn't. Does an addict ever really stop being an addict? Alcohol addiction must be paid attention for one's entire life, and I realized that is no different with food.

The problem is, my drug is legal. You don't have to be a certain age to buy it, you don't have to hide it from anyone, and honestly, you can't stop the drug completely like you can with vodka or meth. I have to eat! So instead of stopping, I just have to keep taking it and monitoring it.

Let me be clear - drugs, alcohol, and food are very different things... I get that. But, I hope you see my point. I had an unhealthy, emotional attachment to food. It dictated my mood - whether good or bad -, I thought about it often, I spent too much money on it, and I used it as a crutch, because I could control it and for a moment, that control felt good. I HATE not being in control (maybe a post for another time) and food made me feel like I was, even if it wasn't real.

I have a lot more to learn in 2016, but I realized that even if I didn't get quite where I wanted to with my pounds lost, there is still so far that I came on this journey and I am EXCITED to see how much further I get this year!