My Husband's Job

I'm not sure when it started. I think maybe its always been there. For as long as I can remember, I have not liked change. And by not liked, I mean hate. I mean like whatever I can do to avoid it, I will.

I remember one time - I think I was in 3rd grade - I stayed the night at my friend Lindly's house. She fell asleep, and I just laid on the ground in my sleeping bag crying. I listened to the clock tick all night long wishing I was in my own house in my own bed. That is my first memory that I can think of where change was not my thing.

Not a lot as changed since then. Yes, I can stay other places without crying all night, but to be honest, I don't love it. Whenever I have moved, it has taken me a while to feel at home and to not feel upset about it. Even when I went from junior high to high school, or graduated to college, there was some excitement, but a lot of worry. As soon as my dad came to get me to escort me down the aisle, I freaked out thinking about the change that was about to happen. And when my newest niece was born in November, I even worried about what changes that would bring to my family.

I understand a lot of the change that happens in life are good changes. I love my current home and wouldn't be here if we hadn't moved. My niece, Zo Zo, is amazing and adorable, and the change she brought is a good one. High School was thirty times better than junior high and was a wonderful change, but at the time, I couldn't see past my fear.

I think the biggest reason I hate it is because it means I am out of control. It means that as I hard as I try and as much as I plan, it really doesn't matter sometimes because I don't get to control life. Its also unknown. When I was in middle school, I knew what to expect day-to-day and I knew what I needed to do, but as I moved into high school, I was clueless.. It was so unknown. I hate that.

So when my husband lost his job right before Christmas - you guessed it - I was one unhappy camper. Most people wouldn't enjoy that news, but not only did I struggle with normal worries about what we were going to do, I knew instantly it meant change.

I don't write this because I am proud of this. I most certainly am not. I cried a lot that week, worried a lot that week, asked for a lot of prayers... When my husband was offered a new job doing the same exact work in a new area, it opened a new door for him to really do ministry again, and he became a missionary associate to do so. While I was wallowing in my fear and sadness, God was taking care of it exactly as He wanted to to take care of Daimian & I and fit His will. My initial response to Him was not trust - it was frustration, sadness, fear, anger - and though it was change, it was good and God had it the whole time.

I have asked for forgiveness for my crappy attitude, and asked God to help me trust Him the next time change comes along. I have a feeling that change is something I will struggle with my whole danged life, but I hope that each time change comes, I handle it better and better.