Here we go again...

I can no longer count how many times I have started, failed, and restarted my weight loss attempts. At this point, I am beyond embarrassed, because quite a few of those have been publicly. Pretty soon, people are going to see me as the girl who cried wolf a few too many times. And I don't blame them. Recently, I have felt so ashamed and angry with myself because I am right back up to where I started. 


252 pounds. 


Gross.


So many attempts with little success. How come I cannot stay motivated? How come I cannot stay disciplined? I started to really dig deep into my own life and ask myself why. There had to be something more than just that french fries are tempting. I realized there is so much of my emotions wrapped up into the food I eat and how much I way. There were a couple things I discovered. 


First, I had to realize that this matters to God. 1 Corinthians 3:16 says, "Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you?" He has work for me to do, and if I am too tired because I am overweight, or so focused on this weight loss that I become super self-centered, or I die way too early because of my obesity, then that is a slap in His face. He gave me this body. He created it. Psalm 139:13-14 says, "For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." I have to do this as a sacrifice and a worship to Him.


Secondly, I am worth it. During junior high, I was physically abused by a much older boyfriend. He hit me and slapped me. Verbally abusive too. This altered how I viewed myself significantly. Most people who know me have no idea this happened. I feel safe being open about it now because for the most part, I have dealt with it. My dealing with it, though, has been very recent. I have shoved it down into such a dark, deep place in my soul that it has been affecting me in ways I didn't even know about. Food has been my source of comfort for a long time. Since this boy took away what value I saw in myself, I have had to rediscover it. Not through food, or other guys, or friends, or church, or family. Through God. And through myself. I am worth this. I am worth losing the weight. I can be happy and satisfied and love myself. 


Can I promise this is going to work out perfectly? No. But I am more determined than ever. Now that I have found out what was holding me back emotionally, I can move forward physically. I have 2 goals: 1) My Africa trip - I want AT LEAST 35 pounds gone. 2) Summer 2012 - I want all 70 pounds gone. I have 84 days until Africa and 272 days until July 1st. 


Here we go again....