Reagan Elizabeth

I am an aunt once again.

On February 22nd, my little sister, Laura gave birth to her first child, Reagan Elizabeth Severin.
I have been in love with her since the moment we found out my sister was pregnant, but watching her be born was life changing, and my love grew instantly.

I think the connection I have with Reagan is a special one. Not only is she the cutest thing I have ever seen - well maybe tied with my baby cousin Audrey - but I am grateful to her. When I met my first niece, the situation was much different. She was sick and I had to say hello and goodbye in the same kiss. She is now in heaven with Jesus and I long for the day I will see her again. With Reagan, it was a completely different situation. She was healthy the whole time, no problems, her birth was perfectly normal and she is growing every day.

But I have to be honest. When we had Reagan's shower, there was a part of me that was sad because I realized this was supposed to happen for Alyse too, and it didn't. When I was at the hospital waiting for her to be born, I realized the last time I had been in the hospital waiting for my niece to be born, it was a tragic time. But when I held her in my arms, it was as if Alyse said to me, "Go ahead, love her too".

I guess I was afraid that if I loved Reagan, it meant that I was forgetting Alyse. That somehow there wasn't enough love to go around because I simply loved Alyse so much. That somehow if I wasn't sad that I couldn't hold Alyse when I was holding Reagan, that my heart was letting her go.

Reagan helped me realize this wasn't the case. There is, in fact, enough love to go around, even if it seems unfathomable. They can both be in my heart, just in different ways.

This aunt thing is amazing. I know when I have kids of my own, it will be something so completely different and life altering, but for now I am learning, growing, and loving in ways I never knew possible just by being an aunt.

To Alyse, I love you and I will never forget you. To Reagan, thank you for healing me, and for teaching me about a love I never knew before.

Plan

I love having a plan. I love planning.
Webster defines plan as:

"a scheme or method of doing, proceeding, making, etc., developed in advance"

I find security in a plan. It gives me some sense of guarantee in a world that isn't guaranteed at all. It may be a false sense of security, but nonetheless, I find some peace in it. 

I had a plan when my masters was going to be over. When we were going to start trying for kids. When I could get a grown-up job.

Today, when I looked at my plan for school, I realized I was quite off on the end date. Now all of the things I had planned, all of the security I had, is gone. When do we start trying for kids? Can I go to school and have kids? Should we wait until I am done, even though its far away? When in the world am I finally going to be done with homework? 

I guess its a good thing He already knows. 

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9

I guess I learned a lesson about where I should place my security.

It'll all work out. It always does. 

I wish I just didn't stress so much. 

Does anyone else do that too? Or is it just me?

Is that a calling?

Last night I finally got to see my girls play ball at the high school where I helped coach last year. During my brief time with them last season, I came to care about them so very much and I miss them now that I am no longer an assistant. Watching them from the stands rather than the bench hurt my heart.

I believe everyone is put on earth for a reason, and I am no exception. For quite a few years, I have struggled trying to figure out what exactly my reason was. I found a love for teaching that I know is a part of my calling, thus the masters degree, but I felt like there was more, that something was missing. After I started coaching last year, I thought, "Maybe this is the missing piece?" But how could it be? Its basketball.. A sport. A sport I love, but nonetheless, still a sport.

How could coaching be a calling? Basketball is just basketball... This year, because of school and life I have been too busy to help anywhere with coaching and it has been devastating. Its weird to go from doing something I love so much to just not. But, I realized something through not being able to coach this year... it is part of my calling and that is perfectly okay.

All my life, growing up in the church, there are times where I have felt pressure to fit my calling in the box. Missionary, pastor, worship leader... It has to fit in the ministry box. But when I think back to the difference my coach made on my life when I was in high school, I see it is absolutely a ministry. Watching my sister's coach this year, a pastor and a coach, has really taught me that it can be part of the reason you are on earth. Seeing my uncle make a difference in the lives of a lot of young men in his town has helped confirm it. The relationship formed with the players is uncompromising. There is still an inner struggle, a question of whether I am just letting my love of the Portland Trailblazers, Larry Bird, and the game in general get in the way of what I really should be doing. But I am passionate about it. I love talking about it, I love going over x's and o's, I love watching it, I love studying it, I love playing it, I love it all, but most importantly, I love connecting with the players.

All that to say this, it is okay that my calling is different than those in the box. It is okay that my calling has to do with sports. I can make a difference wherever I am called, whether that is the bush of Ethiopia, the orphanages in Cambodia, the streets of L.A., or the basketball court in Oregon. And I have learned to be more than okay with it. I have learned to love it.

Greek

I try not to let my posts ever become a place where I can just whine. I know you 3 readers don't want to read it and I certainly don't want to write it. So hear me when I say I do not want this post to be me whining.

I had a breakdown yesterday.

I couldn't really pay too much attention to the Super Bowl because I was in the middle of an eight hour (yes... eight) period of time dedicated to my Greek homework. By the end, my eyes were crossed and I was seeing so many kappas and gammas I thought I was in a frat house for sure.

This masters is kicking my butt.

Its where all of my time goes.
Its where all of my money goes.
Its where all my energy goes.

I rarely see my family, I have had to miss church and give some of my responsibilities away, I had to stop helping coach my sister's basketball team (which let me tell you, coaching basketball is my #1 passion), and have even gotten in trouble at work for not getting some of my stuff done on time. People ask me over and I always have to say no. And I spent the Super Bowl in my apartment having to turn down every invitation to a party that I got.

So about my breakdown, I just started crying. My husband looked over and thought something major was wrong. I told him I felt silly because I was crying over a dumb ancient language, but really it goes deeper than that. I just need some assurance from the big guy upstairs that all of this that I am doing is really what He wants me to do... I just need Him to tell me, "Yes, it will be worth it in the end.. All the sleepless nights, stressing so bad you're physically ill, a complete lack of interaction with other humans, it will all be worth it." I need His strength. I need His confidence. I need His assurance.

I know people have it worse. I don't have cancer. My child isn't sick. No one has died. I haven't lost my home. I get all that. But for a moment, this season of my life is the probably the most stressed, the most overwhelmed I have been.

I just want a reminder that I am on the right track and He will make it all work out for the good of me who loves Him.

2013

I know we are a few days into 2014, but my New Year kind of started yesterday with our consecration service at la iglesia (church, for you non-bilinguals). I was sitting here today thinking of what a crazy up and down year 2013 was for my husband and I. There was a lot of good but there was a lot of bad. Its amazing how much happens in a year and yet it feels like it was just yesterday I was looking back on 2012.

In April, we gained a new member of the Morgan family in my cousin Audrey. She is so darn adorable and its been a long time since we had a new baby in the family. In May, we said hello and goodbye to my cousin, Alyse Marie Serini, one of the toughest things I have ever experienced.

I graduated with a Bachelors of Science Degree in Christian Leadership from Northwest University, Salem Campus and I got to do so alongside my mom and husband, which was a unique and blessed experience.

June came, and my not-so-baby brother graduated from Stayton High School.. Seriously, this kid is like 6'3" and I have no idea when that happened. I love him to death though and I am his biggest fan.

June also brought about one of the greatest things to happen to us. We joined Relevant Life Church in Salem Oregon during a very broken time not only in our personal lives, our marriage, but in our ministry and our lives as pastors. I don't think anyone but Daimian and I can truly understand what this congregation along with the pastors and their families have done for us or mean to us. I consider them more than leadership, but family.

 August brought about a much needed vacation with our trip to Vegas. My parents came on the road trip as a graduation gift for all of us. We also learned that my sister was pregnant! I cannot tell you how excited I was (and still am). I can't wait to meet Reagan!

In September, my parents celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary with a vow renewal ceremony. We lost electricity in the middle of the Silver Falls state park and a storm, but it was still very pretty and incredibly inspiring.

I embarked on a new journey in October when I started my masters program. It has been more challenging then I thought, but in both a good and stressful way. Its just one step closer to my goal.

And in November, I celebrated 3 years with my favorite person on the planet, my husband. I can't believe its been 3 years, but it also feels like I can't remember what it was like without him. He continues to be my rock, my greatest gift, and my best friend. 

I am a blessed girl, and I do hope that 2014 is even better. 

Phil Robertson

I know, I know. This topic has been on every news station, TMZ, twitter, facebook... EVERYWHERE. But it really hit me and I just had to say something. 

First off, I love Duck Dynasty. I own all the seasons. I have watched every episode. I own a book they wrote. I love them. But, this is not the reason I am in support of Phil Robertson (my second favorite character, only behind Uncle Si of course). 

But before we get into that, I have a one thing to say to those who are so very angry towards him, to those who are gay, bi-sexual, transgender, or in support of those....

I am sorry.

I am sorry that the Christian community has decided that this issue is something that they want to bring out their worst judgment and hate for. I am sorry that a group pickets funerals with signs that say "God hates fags" in the name of Jesus. I am sorry that the church has decided that all the other sins the Bible talks about don't get nearly as much attention because somehow they've decided that this sin is worse than all others where the Bible does not make that claim. 

In fact, it lists a whole load of sins who will not see the Kingdom of God including "wrongdoers" which if Christians would look at themselves, there could be found quite a few of those. So this one thing is not something that is worse than others. All sin separates from God. ALL. 

So again, I am sorry. I am sorry that as a body of believers, we have not shown the love that you deserve. Do I agree? No. You have convictions, and so do I, but that does not mean I love you less. And more importantly, God does not love you less. In fact, He loves you more than anything on earth. 

Now, onto Phil. While A&E is not a government entity bound by the constitution, it is only logical that everyone should be able to speak freely. Can A&E respond as they wish? Yes. They have the right. Do I have to agree? No. I think that of everyone in this media mess, Phil is the victim. Regardless of if you agree with his view or disagree is not the point. The man spoke in his right to speech and his right to religion. If we collectively and unanimously do not defend that right, then it will be gone for all, those who support gay marriage and those who don't. Soldiers sacrificed their lives for this right, our right to practice religion and freedom of speech. We cannot disrespect or forget that. We cannot make this about gay marriage. 

As a Christian, I am grateful for the right to practice my faith. All of who I am, how I live, and what I do is based on it. And I am grateful that I can speak my mind on this blog, on facebook, and in conversation. I love that I live in a nation where this is ok. And I hope that our rights will continue to be a defining factor of this great country. 

Baby Fever

There is more than just the flu going around this season.
I caught baby fever.
I want a baby bad.
My sister is pregnant and I am so enjoying watching all the steps of her pregnancy, the growing belly, baby clothes, planning the shower, building the nursery, pinning Pinterest pins...
Of course I am not the one with the morning sickness, but still, you get my point.

But last night, I think my baby fever was quenched for a while.

My husband came home from work, and because of the snow, I couldn't go to work, so we had the evening to ourselves. He took me to Panda Express (we are in college people) where we sat and just talked about deep stuff, how God was working in our lives and how far we have come this year. Then we went all over finishing our Christmas shopping. He was patient and loving even though I knew he doesn't like shopping. He made me feel like he was fine with it because he was with me. We came home, and watched the Big Bang Theory while I tried to craft together some Christmas presents.

I say all that to say that I thoroughly enjoyed a totally not fancy, totally spontaneous, wonderful date night with my favorite person alive. I got home and realized if we had a child, this would not be possible. Is there such a thing as date night as parents? Of course. But the thought that we could just decide I am going out and doing whatever and I don't need a babysitter or to worry about anyone but the 2 of us was refreshing and relaxing.

I know that kids are worth it. I know that I don't even know what I am missing out on yet.
But for one night, I enjoyed just being married and not being a mom.
I enjoyed just being Mrs. Dunn out with my Mr. Dunn.

Marriage really is the greatest and I need to just breathe and be present and enjoy this moment, this season of our life.